Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

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Joe Ditzel

Teacher To Play

So there’s this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.

She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.

The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnest thing I ever saw. There’s an imprint on her temple, and you can read “Titleist 1.”

“That was my ball,” the guy said.

“What I don’t understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says “Titleist 3.”

“Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my mulligan.”

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Joe Ditzel

Hot Things Hot

Wanda walked into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asked, “What is that?”

The store clerk responded, “It’s a thermos.”

“What does it do?”

The clerk said, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” Wanda bought one and took it to work the next day.

Her boss asked, “What is that shiny object?”

“It’s a thermos.”

“What does it do?”

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“What do you have in there?”

“Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”

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Joe Ditzel

God, CANADA

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, CANADA, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

“Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through OTTAWA, CANADA and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes.”

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Joe Ditzel

Proud Canadian

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

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Joe Ditzel

A True Canadian

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?”

The neighbor says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

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Joe Ditzel

Too Young

An American, a Scot and a Canuck were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred opened his eyes! Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth.”

“I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay.”

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Joe Ditzel

Don’t Rightly Know

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?

The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

“Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

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Put The Cat Out

A couple were going out for the evening. They finished getting ready and decided to put the cat out for the night.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple went out the front door, the cat ran back in. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out of the house.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband climbed into the cab. “Sorry I took so long” he said, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”

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Cruise Special

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent says, “Yes, ma’am,” the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?”

The second blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.”

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Joe Ditzel

Clouds and Haze

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all its navigation and communications equipment. With all the clouds and haze, the pilot couldn’t determine his position or how to get to the airport. But he saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it up.

The sign read, “WHERE AM I?”

People in the building quickly responded with their own sign: “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, plotted the course to the airport and landed safely. On the ground, the co-pilot asked him how their sign helped determine the helicopter’s position.

“I knew that had to be the Microsoft building,” the pilot said, “because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.”

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Joe Ditzel

Missed Calls

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

“I think there is a world market for may be five computers.”
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
– Bill Gates, 1981.

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