Chicago Bears hire Abraham Lincoln to turn around flailing program

The Chicago Bears, with nothing left to lose, have hired Abraham Lincoln to coach the team. The Bears owner said, “We are proud sons of Illinois. We are turning to our greatest product, the great Abraham Lincoln, to come out of retirement and lead us back to greatness!”

President Lincoln does not have any football experience except for one season as a coach for a kid’s summer league. The Smithsonian has a copy of one half-time speech he gave to motivate a slap-dash team of 12-year-olds. They were behind 47-0 at the half, but won the game in the end. Here is that epic speech:

“Half time has come and gone, and yet we find ourselves behind in this game. But I ask you, is it not in the darkest of hours that we must strive to shine the brightest?

“We are not a team of individuals, but rather a band of brothers, united in our quest for victory. And I have faith that together, we can rise to the challenge before us.

“We must remember that the true test of character is not how we handle victory, but how we face defeat. It is easy to be a winner when the odds are in our favor, but true greatness is found in overcoming adversity! Think of that first time you asked a girl to dance at the middle school sock hop. You were terrified! But you did it anyway!

“So I implore you, let us not be defeated by the score on the board. Let us not be defeated by the mistakes of the past. Let us rise up, and with all the strength and determination within us, fight for every inch of that field. Just like you struggled to contain your excitement when slow dancing with that strawberry-blonde girl from your homeroom.

“For it is in the fight, in the struggle, that we shall find victory. And when the final whistle blows, let us be able to say that we gave our all, that we fought with all our might, and that we are victorious.

“So let us go forth, my teammates, and let us show the world what we are truly made of. Let us show them that we are not defeated, but rather, we are the Johnson Electric Summer League Champs!”