Crazy LA Commutes
Commuting in LA is a nightmare. It is not unusual for a commuter to drive two hours to go 30 miles. Lately I’ve been blown away by some of the horror stories I hear all over town.
For example, Mary Missedmyexit, a pharmaceutical salesperson who lives in Redondo Beach, recently changed jobs from Gardena to Burbank, extending her commute time from 20 minutes to two hours. “For many years, I’ve just taken Redondo Beach Boulevard to work. It was almost a straight shot, so I just sat back and listened to my Pandora Ariana Grande Duet channel until I arrived. Now that work in Burbank, I have to drive up the 405 to the 101, slide over to the 134 when the 101 veers off to Los Angeles, taking one of several Burbank exits up to my new office. The worst traffic is on the 405 where a giant Donald Trump blimp hovers above the road, hurling insults and nasty nicknames to the drivers below.”
Larry Stuckonthe405 lives out in Camarillo far west of LA. For more than 45 years, he has worked at the Zamboni company in Paramount. If you’ve ever been to an NHL game, or just about any indoor ice rink, you’ve seen the legendary Zamboni machine that cleans the snow off and lays down a new layer of ice for hockey players, figures skaters and recreational skaters alike. “The Zamboni is iconic in the hockey world today,” Larry said, “but in the first couple of decades we were still getting established. Some arena owners were skeptical about the ruggedness of our machines. To demonstrate how tough they were, the owner asked me to commute to work in a Zamboni from Camarillo. It took me so long, many times I had my son drive and I’d sleep in the back on the snow–he was only seven years old but since it wasn’t a car, he didn’t need a license.”
Donna Downtownrider lives and works downtown, so her commute should be easy, right? In fact, maybe it shouldn’t even be on this list—she’s got it made! Well, no. Check this out: she works in one of the tallest buildings in the world, the 500-story Sky Piercer Tower. “It only takes me five minutes to walk to my office building, but it is 500 floors and I work on the 479th floor. The elevators hold 750 people, and most days we stop at a minimum of 450 floors. By the time you account for people who take two steps out of the doors, realize they are on the wrong floor, and jump back in, it can take 2 hours just to go up the elevator.”
Ted Timetravel, discovered a unique way to save time on his commute from Santa Monica to Rancho Cucamonga that normally takes him 2.5 hours. “I was driving just past Barrington on Pico early one morning. The air looked fuzzy just to the right of me on the curb lane. I felt compelled to drive toward it. Within about 15 yards, I was sucked into a wrinkle in the space-time continuum and ended up next to Alta Loma near Rancho Cucamonga. I shaved 2 hours and 15 minutes off my commute, and the time travel has also de-aged me about 15 years. My wife loves it, and I got a promotion at work, which honestly, might also because I stopped wearing Axe Body Spray.”
