Crazy Uber stories: Road trip to Corpus Christi

I picked up Dale and his wife in my Uber after a Foghat concert they attended at the State Fair. They lived way out of a town and Dale passed the time by telling me this story of his younger days at the University of Texas:

The warm, neon glow of the Austin nightlife cast a vibrant hue over our ragtag group of college friends as we meandered from one bar to another like bees in search of nectar. I, Kyle, your charming and adventurous protagonist, led the pack with a swagger that would have made Sinatra himself blush.

“Guys,” I said, “this is what spring break is all about!

Josh said, “Yeah, and a liver transplant.”

“Hey, don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!” Bruno said, his laugh reverberating through the crowded street. Topher simply smiled.

As we stepped into yet another watering hole, an idea struck me. I hoisted myself onto a nearby chair.

“I propose a toast: To spontaneous adventures!”

“Here, here!” cried Bruno, raising his glass high and sloshing beer onto the hapless patrons below.

“Seriously, Kyle?” Josh said, clearly amused but doing his best to maintain his stoicism. “And what, pray tell, is this spontaneous adventure you’re proposing?”

“Corpus Christi. Road trip, fellows!”

Topher’s eyes widened, and he softly said, “That actually sounds… kind of amazing.”

“See?” I grinned triumphantly. “Even our resident philosopher agrees!”

“Alright, alright,” conceded Josh, rolling his eyes. “But we’re not leaving tonight. We’ll depart first thing in the morning.”

“Nope. We leave. Right. Now,”

****

The sun was warm as we cruised down the sandy beach, our Jeep’s tires carving paths through the sand.

Topher gazed pensively at the horizon, while Bruno leaned out the window, whooping like a wild man. Josh kept his eyes focused ahead.

“Can you believe this, boys?”

“Damn straight!” Bruno hollered, pumping his fist in the air. “Corpus Christi, baby!”

“Hey, Kyle,” Josh said, suddenly serious. “How long has it been since we last filled up?”

“Uh… I don’t know. Yesterday morning, maybe? Why?”

“Because…” Topher spoke up, pointing to the dashboard. “The gas gauge is on empty.”

“Empty?” I said. “That can’t be right. We should have plenty of fuel left!”

“Apparently not,” Josh said.

“Okay, okay. Let’s think this through. We’ll just find the nearest gas station and—”

“Kyle,” Topher interjected quietly. “We’re on a beach.”

“Right.”

“Looks that way,” Josh said.

“We need a magic genie,” Bruno said.

“Alright, cut the sarcasm. Any ideas?”

“Actually,” Topher said. “I might have one. Remember that old trick where you use a hose to siphon gas from another car’s tank? We could try that.”

“Good idea. Now we just need to find another car to… uh…”

“Steal from?” Josh said.

“Temporarily borrow fuel,” I said.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy,” Bruno said, laughing.

“Okay, so all we need is a hose and another car,” I mused, scanning the beach for potential targets.

“Here’s hoping,” Josh said.

“Alright, gentlemen,” I said. “Let’s find ourselves a hose and a generous donor vehicle.”

We set off down the beach in search of our elusive siphon-hose and donor vehicle.

“Y’know,” Bruno said as he squinted at the horizon, “this would be great if it weren’t for the whole ‘stranded and potentially breaking the law’ thing.”

“Guys, look!” Topher called out, pointing towards a cluster of dune buggies parked near a makeshift campsite.

“Perfect!” I said, grinning from ear to ear. “Let’s go see if we can borrow some gas from our fellow beachgoers without getting arrested, huh?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Josh said.

“Hey, there!” I said to the group of sunburned strangers lounging around a fire pit. “Mind if we, uh, borrow some gas real quick?”

“Sure thing, dude,” one of them said, tossing us a length of hose without missing a beat

“See?” Bruno said, grinning as we headed back to our car. “I told you everything would work out!”

“Never doubted you for a second,” I said.

****

The next day, we went out on the town. Little did I know that by the end of the day, one of us would be arrested for hot dog theft.

“Guys, check out this bar,” Bruno said, his voice booming through the otherwise empty parking lot. The neon sign flickered with a hypnotic buzz, casting a dim light on our faces.

“Let’s do it,” I said as I led the way. “We might get killed but what a story!”

As we entered the bar, the scent of stale beer and overcooked meat wafted into our nostrils. It was a dive, but it had character. We found a table near the back, close enough to the jukebox that we could hear the twangy country tunes playing softly.

“Anyone want a hot dog?” Bruno said.

“Where’d you get those?” Josh questioned, his tone dripping with suspicion.

“From the bar,” Bruno said, popping a hot dog into his mouth.

“Did you… pay for them?” Topher said.

“Of course not! That’s what makes it fun!”

“Free hot dogs? Sounds good to me,” I said.

As it turned out, the worst was getting caught by the burly bartender, who called the cops and had Bruno handcuffed in record time.

“Great. Now what?” Josh said.

“Relax, we’ll figure it out,” I said.

Later, a disheveled man with wild hair and tattered clothes shuffled towards us from the shadows.

“Need some help, boys?” he said.

“Who are you?” Topher asked.

“Name’s Rags,” he said with a toothless grin. “I’ve got some… mystical powers, if you will. Maybe I can help your friend.”

“Right…” Josh said. “And I’m the King of England.”

“Hey, it’s worth a shot,” I said. “Let’s get any help we can getting stupid Bruno out of jail.”

“Alright, Rags,” I said. “Show us what you’ve got.”

His eyes twinkled as he rummaged through his tattered coat, finally producing a small vial filled with an iridescent liquid that seemed to glow in the dim light. “One drop each, and let the magic begin!” he cackled.

“Is that…safe?” Topher said.

“Only one way to find out, amigo,” Rags said. We each placed a single drop of the mysterious potion on our tongues. The taste was indescribable; it was like licking the inside of a battery while eating cotton candy.

“Wow, that is…weird,” Josh said. “So, what now?”

“Wait for it,” Rags said, grinning.

In a few minutes, things began to shift and warp. I looked down at my hands, which now appeared to be made of rubber, and stretched them out like Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four. Topher stared at a nearby tree, convinced that it was singing opera, while Josh discovered that he could suddenly speak fluent French – a language he’d never studied.

“Rags, you magnificent bastard!” I said, laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all. “This is incredible!”

“Enjoy, mes amis,” he said, giving us a jaunty salute before disappearing into the night.

We spent the rest of the evening exploring our newfound abilities, reveling in the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. By the time the spell wore off, we were all in high spirits – albeit slightly disoriented.

“Man, that was something else,” Josh said, shaking his head as if to clear it. “But we should probably get back to figuring out how to help Bruno.”

The next morning, as we wandered through the streets of Corpus Christi in search of any help, we stumbled upon a group of four girls wearing University of Iowa sweatshirts. They were laughing and joking with each other.

“Hey!” one of them called out. “You guys look like you could use some fun. Want to party?”

“Uh, sure,” I said, caught off guard. “I’m Kyle, by the way. These are my friends Topher and Josh.”

“Nice to meet you,” the girl said, extending a hand. “I’m Selena.”

As we spent the day with Selena and her friends, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for the unexpected detour our road trip had taken. Between Rags’s magical escapades and the laughter-filled hours with these lively girls, it was shaping up to be an experience I’d never forget.

But Bruno was still in jail.

We’d been partying all day with the Iowa girls, and the strange spell cast upon us by that enigmatic homeless man still lingered.

“Hey Kyle,” Selena said. “I dare you to chug this entire bottle of beer.”

“Challenge accepted!” I downed the cold beer as Selena’s friends cheered me on. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and bowed dramatically. “Mission accomplished, milady.”

“Bravo, bravo!” Selena said in a fake English voice. Her laughter was like music, weaving through the air and wrapping itself around my heart.

“Selena,” I said, trying to stand up straight. “You’re amazing.”

“Aw, shucks,” she said. “You’re pretty great yourself, Mr. Chugger.”

As we bantered back and forth, I has an insane idea. Before I knew it, I found myself rummaging through the debris littering the ground, searching for the perfect item to convey my feelings.

“Guys, guys!” I called, holding up my prize—a collection of bread ties. I glanced at Topher and Josh, who exchanged puzzled looks. With the flair of a seasoned magician, I twisted the ties together, fashioning them into a makeshift ring.

“Selena,” I began, dropping to one knee before her. “We’ve only known each other for a day, but it feels like a lifetime. If life is a roller coaster, then you’re the most thrilling loop-de-loop I’ve ever encountered.”

“Kyle, what are you—”

“Selena, will you do me the honor of becoming my bread tie bride?”

For a moment, Selena stared at me in stunned silence. Then she threw her head back and laughed—a glorious, unfettered sound that seemed to echo through the universe. “You’re absolutely insane,” she gasped, “but sure, why not? Let’s get married!”

As I slipped the bread tie ring onto her finger, our friends erupted into cheers. All I need now is a job and a house in the suburbs, I thought. And a jetski.

****

“Morning, Kyle,” Selena, said next to me, rubbing sleep from her eyes. “About last night…”

“Ah, yes. The proposal,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck as I racked my brain for a charming and witty response. “I suppose it’s not every day you get proposed to by a guy with bread ties, huh?”

“No, it isn’t. But, um, Kyle… I don’t think we should get married.”

“Ah.” The word hung in the air between us like a lonely balloon drifting away from a party. “I see.”

“Look, you’re a great guy, really. But I just think… we should call it off. And maybe, you know, break up?”

“Right.” I nodded slowly. “Right, of course. No hard feelings?”

“None at all.” She smiled, and I couldn’t help but smile back. Our whirlwind romance had ended abruptly. And the worst part. She kept the bread-tie ring.

“Alright, gang!” I said to our group of friends as we gathered in the motel lobby. “So, quick update: we’ve decided not to get married and are no longer together. Just thought I’d let you all know.”

“I’m shocked!” Josh said, laughing. “Man, that’s too bad,” Topher added, reaching over to pat my shoulder. “You guys seemed so…”

“Wildly impulsive and destined for disaster?” I said.

“Something like that.”

“So, what’s next on the agenda?” Josh said.

“Actually,” I sighed, “I think it might be time for us to start heading back to Austin.”

“Back to reality, huh?” Topher said. “Well, it was one hell of a ride, dude. Like the time you got arrested for climbing that statue. Or when you serenaded that biker gang with ‘My Heart Will Go On’.”

“I did that stuff?” I said. “You must be thinking of Bruno.”

“Bruno!” We all yelled together. “We forgot about Bruno in jail!”

“Jail?” Selena said, her hands flying to her mouth in an exaggerated gesture of shock. “You guys left him in jail?”

“Oops” was the only word I could muster up in response to this revelation. I had completely forgotten about Bruno’s predicament – not that I could be blamed. I mean, who has time to think about their incarcerated buddy when they’re dealing with the fallout of a failed marriage proposal?

“Okay, guys,” I said, clapping my hands together in an attempt to rally the troops, “we need to get Bruno out of there. It’s our responsibility as his friends, and frankly, I don’t have the heart to tell him about the whole engagement fiasco.”

“Wait, you have a plan?” Topher asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow in a way that suggested he didn’t think I could find my way out of a paper bag, much less orchestrate a jailbreak.

“Of course I have a plan! When have I ever not had a plan?” I said, though I quickly realized that might not have been the most reassuring statement to make given our current circumstances.

“Alright, Kyle” Selena said, crossing her arms, “what’s this master plan of yours?”

“Simple. We’re going to break Bruno out of jail. Selena, we need you on our team. Are you in?”

“Break him… out of jail?” She blinked, clearly taken aback by the audacity of my proposal. “I mean, I’m all for helping a friend, but isn’t that a bit… extreme?”

“Extreme? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely,” I insisted, trying to appear confident despite the nagging voice in the back of my head that whispered *this is a terrible idea.*

“Fine,” Selena conceded after a moment’s hesitation. “But if we get caught, I’m telling everyone it was your idea.”

“Deal!” I agreed, beaming with pride at the formation of our ragtag, jail-breaking crew. Little did I know that our adventures were only just beginning – and that before long, we’d be racing against time (and the law) to save our friend from a fate worse than a lifetime of soggy hot dogs.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” I said as we huddled together in the motel café. “Selena, you’re going to act as a decoy. Distract the guards while Topher and I sneak inside.”

“Got it,” she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

“Topher, I managed to get our hands on this small portion of C4.” I revealed the explosive from my backpack, watching as his eyes widened in shock. “We’ll use it to blow open Bruno’s cell. Then, we make a run for it where Josh is waiting with the car. He’ll be our wheelman.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Topher agreed, his voice barely above a whisper. “But how do we know which cell Bruno is in?”

“Leave that to me,” I assured him, though I was secretly praying we’d be able to locate him quickly once we were inside.

With everyone understanding their roles, we sprang into action. Selena sauntered up to the guards, striking up a conversation. Topher and I slipped inside the secure area.

“Okay, remember, stick to the plan,” I whispered to Topher as we crept through the dimly-lit corridors. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, we found Bruno’s cell. I couldn’t help but let out a tiny chuckle at the sight of him using a hot dog as a makeshift pillow.

“Hey, buddy!” I called out, trying to keep my voice down. “Ready for a jailbreak?”

“Am I ever!” Bruno said, springing to his feet. “What took you guys so long?”

“Long story,” I said, shaking my head. “Topher, set up the C4, and stand back.”

As the explosive blew open the cell door, we grabbed Bruno and sprinted towards the exit. Selena, seeing our signal, quickly wrapped up her conversation with the guards and raced to meet us.

“Come on!” I shouted as we all piled into Josh’s waiting car. The tires screeched beneath us as he hit the gas.

“Let’s get out of here!” Josh said, gripping the wheel tightly as we sped away from the jail compound.

We roared down the road, leaving the stunned guards behind.

As I sat in the passenger seat, I couldn’t help but be impressed by his sudden transformation. With a determined glint in his eye and a white-knuckled grip on the wheel, he’d become a modern-day Steve McQueen – or at least a close approximation.

“Josh, you ever driven like this before?” I asked, gripping the door-handle as we careened around a tight corner.

“Never,” he said with a grin.

“Right!” Bruno chimed in from the backseat, his voice muffled by Topher’s arm draped over his shoulder. “Just try not to get us killed, okay?”

“Will do,” Josh said, swerving expertly to avoid an oncoming police car that had spotted us.

“Guys, I think they’re gaining on us,” Selena warned, her eyes glued to the rearview mirror. “We need to lose them!”

“Leave it to me,” Josh said. He deftly navigated the streets, weaving in and out of traffic and leaving a trail of confused and frustrated officers in our wake.

“Alright, we need to get on the highway,” Josh said, spotting an entrance ramp up ahead.

“Everyone hang on tight,” Josh said, flooring the accelerator and merging onto the highway with a squeal of tires.

“Josh, you’re a genius!” Topher called out from the backseat as we sped away, police sirens fading into the distance. “I knew you could pull it off!”

“Thanks, but we’re not out of the woods yet,” Josh cautioned. “We still have a ways to go before we’re in the clear.”

“Right,” I muttered, trying to suppress the nagging fear that our luck was about to run out. “Just keep driving, Josh. We’ll make it back to Austin one way or another.”

The wind whipped through my hair as we barreled down the highway, Corpus Christi becoming a distant memory in our rearview mirror. I glanced over to Josh, who seemed to be in his element, hands tightly gripping the wheel.

“Fast & Furious: College Edition!” Bruno shouted from the backseat, clearly not too concerned about our current predicament.

“Or Thelma & Louise & Kyle & Josh & Topher & Bruno,” Topher offered, a rare grin crossing his face.

As we neared Austin, the initial rush of excitement began to wane. We needed to ditch the car and cover our tracks before the law caught up to us. With the sun dipping below the horizon, casting a reddish-orange glow across the sky, I knew we were running out of time.

“Josh, take the next exit. Barton Springs Creek is just up ahead.”

“Good thinking,” he said, deftly maneuvering the car off the highway and onto a winding dirt road.

“Alright, everyone out,” I said. “Let’s make this quick.”

We pushed the car into the creek, watching as the murky water swallowed it whole. As the last remnants of our escape disappeared beneath the surface, I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Goodbye, sweet chariot,” Selena said.

We finally made it back to campus, our clothes damp and reeking of Barton Springs Creek – a smell that I’d never be able to dissociate with our escapade. As we scurried like fugitive squirrels towards the academic building, a fleeting thought crossed my mind: would any of our classmates suspect what we’d just done? That beneath these scruffy exteriors were bona fide jailbreakers?

“Guys, do I look suspicious?” I said.

“Relax,” Selena said, trying to fix her hair into something resembling order. “You look the same – like you rolled out of bed ten minutes ago.”

“Thanks, I guess?” I said.

“Alright, everyone,” Bruno said, taking charge as usual. “Let’s split up and get to our classes before anyone notices we’re late.”

“Good idea, Captain Obvious,” Topher said.

“Hey, I’m not the one who got stuck in jail for stealing hot dogs,” I said.

“Correction,” Bruno said. “I was ‘borrowing’ those hot dogs. Temporarily.”

“Sure, sure,” I said.

“Whatever, guys,” Bruno said, feigning annoyance as he turned away. “Just don’t forget who your fearless leader is around here, okay?”

“Of course not, oh great one,” Josh said, giving a mock bow.

“Hey, Kyle,” Selena said. “My Uber is here. He’s taking me to the airport. I just wanted to say the next time you need someone to help you with a jailbreak, give me a call.” She leaned in and held my arms as she gave me a long kiss. I held her by her lower back and pulled her closer.

“Absolutely. You’re my first call.”