Government Agents Lob Tear Gas At Wild Shopping Crowds

During the recent Black Friday shopping rush, crowds stormed store entrances around the country. Government officials armed with tanks and helicopters lobbed tear gas into the throngs to drive them back from the doors. Despite an outcry from consumer groups and community leaders, the administration defended the practice.

“Black Friday was just the beginning,” said VP of Inland Security Jack T. Boot. “A guy on CNBC said retail sales are projected to be way up this year, so we expect bigger crowds to amass as Macy’s, Walmart and other leading retailers announce monster sales. We intend to maintain order at all costs, even if 63-inch flat screen TVs go as low as $199.”

Critics said this is one more example of poor treatment of everyday shoppers by the administration. “I disagree,” offered Boot. “We’ve warned them for weeks what would happen. Everybody wants an unlocked Samsung Galaxy S9 for $699 but we insist on law and order.”