Jeb’s giant feet

In the Oak Room of the Nashville Elite Athletic Society, a group of committee members gathered to discuss a new candidate for membership. The room was sumptuously furnished, matching the refined tastes of the members present: Randolph, the Committee Chair known for his bow ties; Cynthia, the impeccably proper Committee Secretary; Frank, a bourbon enthusiast; and Dorothy, an accomplished squash player.

Randolph opened the meeting by introducing the candidate, Jeb McKennedy, praising his skill in squash and taste in bourbon. Cynthia confirmed that Jeb met all formal criteria, citing his Vanderbilt education and successful tech startup. Frank chimed in with a quip about Jeb’s impressive bourbon collection and his prowess in squash, but then brought up the issue that was on everyone’s mind—Jeb’s unusually large feet.

Dorothy was particularly concerned, fearing that Jeb’s oversized feet could damage the club’s pristine squash courts. Randolph asked if there was any historical precedent for rejecting a candidate based on shoe size, to which Cynthia recalled the 1923 rejection of Miles “Clown Feet” Dunlap, albeit more for his colorful shoes than his foot size.

Frank lightened the mood by suggesting that Jeb’s feet were so big he could wear empty bourbon bottles as shoes, prompting laughter but also underscoring the committee’s dilemma. Dorothy then proposed a “foot test,” an unprecedented squash challenge that Jeb would have to pass to gain admission to the club: As long as his large feet didn’t damage the squash courts, or inadvertently trip fellow members by mistake in the steam room, he was in.

The proposal was accepted, as it was considered both fair and sufficiently ridiculous to be “on-brand” for the committee. Randolph then concluded the meeting, asking Frank to break out a 12-year-old bourbon to toast their decision.