Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Humor

JokesUncategorized
Joe Ditzel

God, CANADA

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, CANADA, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

“Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through OTTAWA, CANADA and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes.”

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JokesUncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Proud Canadian

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

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JokesUncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Don’t Rightly Know

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?

The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

“Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

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Joe Ditzel

Put The Cat Out

A couple were going out for the evening. They finished getting ready and decided to put the cat out for the night.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple went out the front door, the cat ran back in. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out of the house.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband climbed into the cab. “Sorry I took so long” he said, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”

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JokesUncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Cruise Special

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent says, “Yes, ma’am,” the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?”

The second blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.”

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Joe Ditzel

Clouds and Haze

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all its navigation and communications equipment. With all the clouds and haze, the pilot couldn’t determine his position or how to get to the airport. But he saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it up.

The sign read, “WHERE AM I?”

People in the building quickly responded with their own sign: “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, plotted the course to the airport and landed safely. On the ground, the co-pilot asked him how their sign helped determine the helicopter’s position.

“I knew that had to be the Microsoft building,” the pilot said, “because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.”

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JokesUncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Missed Calls

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

“I think there is a world market for may be five computers.”
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
– Bill Gates, 1981.

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Joe Ditzel

ID Ten T Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

“It was an ID ten T error.”

“An ID ten T error? What’s that in case I need to fix it again?”

Harold grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No.”

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote it down …… I D 1 0 T.

I used to like Harold.

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Work and Careers
Joe Ditzel

Nine Questions – Engineering Joke

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the head engineer.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The head engineer went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.”

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

“Simple. Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.'”

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JokesUncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Flat Tire

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said, “Let’s catch a cab and in ten minutes we’ll reach our destination.”

The computer programmer said, “We have the driver’s guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive.”

The computer operator said, “Let’s turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem.”

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: “Try to close all windows, get out of the car, and then get in and try again.”

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Tech and Science
Joe Ditzel

Tech Joke: Flat Tire

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said, “Let’s catch a cab and in ten minutes we’ll reach our destination.”

The computer programmer said, “We have the driver’s guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive.”

The computer operator said, “Let’s turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem.”

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: “Try to close all windows, get out of the car, and then get in and try again.”

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