Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
The Player: We’re more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can’t give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They’re all blood, you see.
Gran Torino
Harry Tofcano
Zoolander
Blazing Saddles
Life of Brian
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Milton Berle
Today kids seem to know more about relationships when they are twelve than I do now at thirty-eight. When I was twelve I was just taking learning how to kiss. And the very first kiss took place at high noon in seventh grade.
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Why do I look like Tommy Lasorda? Why is it so hard to lose weight? Because our society encourages us to eat too much. I went to a movie last week and I saw a sign behind the concession that said, “FREE REFILL ON 130 OUNCE COKES.” I like Coke, but the last thing I want after 130 ounces of Coke is another 130 ounces of Coke! Hey, can you show the movie in the men’s room because that’s where I’ll be for two hours.
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Three men, an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The American jumped off and shouted, ”God save America!”
The English man jumped off and shouted, ”God Save The Queen!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ”God save the person who I land on!”
A young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.
“Hey Chris,” the snack bar employee said. “Forget your troubles for a bit. It’s late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I’ll help you with that cart after you eat.”
“That’s mighty nice of you, but Pa won’t like that,” Chris replied.
“Aw, come on, take a break for a bit,” the man at the snack bar insisted.
“Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed. “But Pa won’t like it.”
After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden french fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. “I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset.”
“Nonsense,” the cook said. “Where is your pa anyway”?
“Under the cart.”
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A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits — yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”
The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
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At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded yes.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again, the boy nodded yes.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
Life constantly gives us warning signs. I know I have often failed to heed their warning. To my own peril. Here are some warning signs you my encounter as you continue on life’s journey.
Sign on a music store window: “Come in and pick out a drum — then beat it!”
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Fame is diluted. It used to be you had to DO something- a skill, a talent- acting, singing, telling jokes, something- that you were famous for. Now you can be famous for being famous. So why don’t we just have awards for just being famous. The Fame Awards. We could have awards for:
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I’ve been jumping rope lately in an attempt to lose my gut. So far so good- I’ve lost 20 pounds and counting. Jumping rope is convenient. The rope is light and packs easily. Recently I was visiting relatives and broke out my rope to get in a quick workout. My 9-year-old niece wandered by and, as usual, offered her opinion.
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The Player: We’re more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can’t give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They’re all blood, you see.
Gran Torino
Harry Tofcano
Zoolander
Blazing Saddles
Life of Brian
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Milton Berle
Adam Sandler