The spectacular collapse of 2023’s biggest bankruptcies
2023 was a year of many things, but financial stability for the following companies was not one of them. Here’s a rundown of seven companies that went belly-up this year, complete with insights from exasperated employees.
1. GlitterGone Inc. – The Sparkle That Fizzled Out
GlitterGone Inc., the company that promised to rid the world of rogue glitter, has filed for bankruptcy. Their flagship product, a spray that made glitter vanish, unfortunately also dissolved plastics, fabrics, and the occasional small appliance.
Ex-employee quote: “Turns out, people like their smartphones more than they hate glitter. Who knew?”
2. TelepathyTech – Mind-Reading Madness
TelepathyTech, the startup that swore to revolutionize communication with mind-reading headsets, is no more. The headsets did read minds, but not in the intended way. Instead of words, they transmitted users’ most embarrassing memories at inopportune moments.
Ex-employee quote: “At the last company meeting, my headset broadcast that time I walked into a glass door. Twice. It’s hard to discuss quarterly losses after that.”
3. Unicorn Urban Development – A Mythical Misstep
Unicorn Urban Development, known for its unicorn-themed housing projects, has declared bankruptcy. The houses, complete with rainbow paint and horn-shaped chimneys, were less than practical. The final straw was the glitter-infused concrete that never quite set.
Ex-employee quote: “You ever try to sell a house where the driveway is perpetually a sparkly, sticky mess? I have.”
4. Ride Smooth and Free, Inc. – A Crash Landing
Ride Smooth and Free Inc., creators of a scooter that rides on air one-foot off the ground, finally launched their product this year, only to crash land into bankruptcy. The scooters hovered, but controlling them was another story. Most ended up stuck in trees or on rooftops.
Ex-employee quote: “We replaced traffic jams with flying scooter traffic jams… in the sky. Not our brightest moment.”
5. ZombieZombie – The Undead Exercise Fad
ZombieFit, the fitness program that chased participants with actors dressed as zombies, has run its course. While initially popular, it turns out being chased by the undead is less motivating and more traumatizing than expected.
Ex-employee quote: “Our clientele literally ran away. And they didn’t come back.”
6. Aquatic Autos – Sinking Dreams
Aquatic Autos, the company that promised to turn any car into a submarine, is now underwater financially. The conversions worked, but only once. After the first submersion, most cars preferred to remain submarines… permanently.
Ex-employee quote: “Turns out, most people need their cars more on land than in the sea. Who would’ve thought?”
7. Waves Through Time Tours – A Chronological Catastrophe
Waves Through Time Tours, offering vacations to the past, has paradoxically gone bankrupt. The tours were a hit until customers started coming back as their own ancestors, causing a logistical and existential nightmare.
Ex-employee quote: “We had a strict ‘don’t interfere with history’ policy. But try explaining that to someone who’s just met their great-great-grandfather as a toddler.”
In conclusion, 2023 was a year of ambitious ideas and spectacular failures in the fictional business world. As we move into 2024, let’s hope the next batch of fictional entrepreneurs take note of these fantastical flops. Remember, just because you can imagine it, doesn’t mean you should build it – especially if it involves glitter, zombies, or time travel.
