The top 10 guitarists of all time: Unsung heroes
When Rolling Stone released their 2023 list of the top guitarists of all time, they missed a few key players. Sure, Jimi Hendrix, Eddie Van Halen, and Jeff Beck are great, but what about the unsung heroes of the guitar world? The ones who, for some inexplicable reason, never made it into the mainstream. Here’s a tribute to the top 10 guitarists who should have been on that list.
- Fred Hedginbets and his Harmonic Hedgehog
Freddie was known for his unique playing style, which involved a live hedgehog named Spiny Norman. He claimed that the hedgehog’s natural rhythm helped him keep time, and its occasional quill pricks added an element of danger (and tetanus) to his performances.
- Wilma Frednobrakes and her Gravity-Defying Guitar
Wilma, a pioneer in anti-gravity guitar technology, literally took her performances to new heights. Her guitar solos weren’t just metaphorically out of this world; they were physically, as she floated above the crowd, thanks to her patented “FloatFrets.”
- Carl Illhavethecapos and the Ever-Changing Key
Carl never played a song in the same key twice. His custom-built, 17-capo guitar allowed him to change keys mid-solo, confusing both his band and the audience. Music theorists are still trying to decipher his “Capo Symphony in Z Minor.”
- Sally Slipnslide and her Slippery Soap Bar
Sally, rejecting traditional guitar slides, exclusively used a bar of soap. This not only produced unique, slippery sounds but also ensured her fretboard was the cleanest in the business. Fans never knew if they were at a concert or a bubble bath.
- Tony Fretful and his Perpetual Tuning Act
Tony’s entire act consisted of him tuning his guitar. Audiences were mesmerized by his ability to turn what was typically a mundane task into a three-hour existential journey through sound. He never actually played a song, but rumor has it his G-string was always perfect.
- Eddie Traphouse and his Infinite Delay
Eddie’s guitar rig was composed entirely of delay pedals, leading to a sound so layered that his first note from 1987 is rumored to still be bouncing around somewhere. His concerts were less about music and more about creating a temporal vortex.
- Petey Killingit and his Collection of Unusual Picks
Pete didn’t believe in using standard guitar picks. Instead, he used items like vintage coins, his grandmother’s dentures, and even a slice of pepperoni. Each item gave a distinct sound, especially the dentures, which added a bite to his music.
- Looping Luisa and her One-Woman Band
Luisa, armed with her loop pedal, created an entire symphony live on stage. She was known for playing the guitar, bass, drums, and even a kazoo, all looped into a cohesive piece. Her concerts were a bit like Groundhog Day, but with more guitar solos.
- Feedback Farnsworth and the Art of Controlled Chaos
Fred’s specialty was feedback. He could control and manipulate it to the point where it almost sounded like music. Almost. His fans were a niche group, mostly composed of sound engineers and a few stray dogs who appreciated the high-pitched tones.
- Twelve-Fingered Johnny Digits and his Extra-Dexterous Solos
Born with an extra finger on each hand, Johnny’s guitar solos were the stuff of legend. His twelve-fingered fretwork was so fast and complex that it was rumored his guitar once caught fire from the sheer friction.
While Rolling Stone might have missed these extraordinary talents, their legacies live on in the hearts of those who witnessed their bizarre yet brilliant performances. They may not have had the mainstream success of Hendrix or Van Halen, but in the world of guitar greatness, they are at least tolerated.
