Um, that LORD Ditzel to you, buddy!

There are companies like Highland Title who constantly advertise in my Facebook feed — they sell 1-square foot plots of land in Scotland for $100 or so. With that you get a certificate of ownership and the title of Lord or Lady which you can add to your credit cards or other docs and IDs.

Turns out you don’t actually get any land and the Lord or Lady title is “ceremonial,” meaning it’s worthless, so you don’t get to start demanding free food at the pub or you’ll off their heads.

However, I am offering 1-foot square plots of the 5 freeway in California for $350. With that, you can drive on it anytime you want and you get a certificate of authenticity and the title “King of the Road.”

If you get into a heated road rage situation, just hold up your certificate that shows you are, in fact, King of the Road, and they will scamper down the freeway before you boil them in oil.