3 Reasons Your Diet is Failing You

Diets are hit and miss. And sometimes you can’t tell why they aren’t working. Here are three things to look for.

Not Drinking Enough Water

If you don’t drink enough water, your metabolism slows and kills fat burning. Carrying around a water bottle all day probably won’t do it. You want to get a part time job for a water bottle company and drive the truck to work, shopping, and fun activities. After every stop, down one of those giant jugs of water in the back. You may also want to add a bathroom on the truck as well.

Sneaking Calories

Are you taking sips of a Frappacino on the way to work, or sneaking potato chips from under your desk? My friend, those calories add up quick. Try handcuffing your wrists behind your back. You’ll reduce the amount of empty calories going in your mouth by 100 percent. You’ll have to learn to drive facing backwards, using your toes to touch the gas and brakes, but you will look better almost immediately.

Skipping Breakfast

Breakfast literally means, “break fast,” which was the term used during prison escapes when they had to run for the outer fence and cut it with pliers made from two kitchen knives tied together. If you are skipping breakfast, you make it hard for your body to get started again. Think of your metabolism like a car. After sitting still, you want to get it revving again by eating, well, anything: pancakes, scrambled eggs, leftover pizza, or those expensive cinnamon rolls in the back of the freezer you froze two days ago “for a future treat.”

Mr. Helpful Hipster Style

“Can you hold that door open for one second?” I cheerily said to the hipster leaning against the wall near the door as I bobbled a large pizza and drinks for Mary and me, trying to exit.

Everyone in the joint was in a good mood. The front of this place in Eagle Rock is always packed with people signing up to get a table or picking up carry-out orders. It was buzzing.

I lifted my items over the heads of the crowd to make it easier to move forward.

He didn’t have to move his body or feet from his spot on the wall, just bend his right elbow to reach the door handle and hold it. Surely he would help out.

“Well, I’m not a doorman!” he said with disdain, not moving a muscle.

A normal person would just move their hand up and snag the handle, but he didn’t want to seem like he was “the help.”

I guess it would diminish his standing in a hyper-competitive town?

Or something.

“You can’t hold it for two seconds?” I said.

With the face of a 9-year-old who has been told to clean his room for the 10th time, he grabbed the side of the door with his hand.

“Thanks, I apprecia….” I started to say as I stepped into the open space. When I was halfway through the doorway, he let it go and it smashed into my right leg, the pizza nearly flying onto the roof of a nearby parked car.

Racing for the Open Aisle at the Grocery Store

You are walking toward an open checkout lane when you spy another person coming the other way with items in their hand. You aren’t exactly sure if they are heading to checkout, but you don’t want to take any chance they get there first. So you quicken your step, but try to cover it by casually glancing at nearby displays. When you get there first, keep acting casual by thumbing the magazines or looking over the gum selection.

7 Amazing Kitchen Tools That Will Change The Way You Cook

Culinary technology is racing forward at a breakneck pace. Here are 7 kitchen tools you may be using sooner than you think.

 

Disaster Meal Masher

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Cook’s Steel Hat With Handle

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Tilted Kitchen Door Stop

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Donut Sprinkle Strainer

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Chocolate Kiss Melter

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Head Chef Oversized Ego Clamp

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Ungrateful Customer Knuckle Rappers Rack

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5 Things You Should Never Say To A Vegan

Vegans are nice people. Just don’t say thoughtless things to them, you jerk.

1. Hey, that’s cool. My old girlfriend is a vegan. Well, half vegan/half Polish.

2. How do you breathe our planet’s air?

3. Vegan for victory! Am I right? Am I right?

4. The best thing about vegans is they lead the league in bench-clearing brawls.

5. Little known fact: vegans love old typewriters.

11 Ways To Eat Healthy On a Budget

You are broke. Maybe you are in college, building a startup tech firm or just down on your luck. Whatever. But you want to eat healthy. Here’s how to do it.

1. Walk casually through a busy restaurant. Grab uneaten food off plates that have not been cleared yet. Either eat on-the-fly, or stuff your booty in your backpack for later.

2. Get a job in an Easter Egg factory. Bite off the ears of every 200th bunny. Keep this up until you get fired.

3. Go to every Catholic mass offered on Sunday.

Courtesy Library of Congress via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Library of Congress via Flickr Commons

Go through the line to get communion 3 or 4 times each mass.

4. Plant a community garden along the steps going up to your town’s water tower. When asked by the police what you are doing, tell them it a public work project.

5. Go the the grocery store.

Courtesy USDA
Courtesy USDA

Cut up a watermelon, set up a table and start giving away samples. Eat one sample for every 10 you give away.

6. Get to the nearest Italian restaurant and roam the tables singing opera love songs. When you drive away business, the chef will come out to have you tossed out. Slip into the kitchen and eat some Farfalla with Fetta Cheese before the cops get there.

7. Become a comedian and tell really, really bad jokes.

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

When the audience begins to throw tomatoes, open your mouth and catch what you can.

8. Convince your date to cook dinner for the two of you at her place. When she goes to the bathroom, sneak into the kitchen and stuff your pockets with leftovers and canned vegetables.

9. Pretend you are a star chef and interview for local chef positions.

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Take on a superior air. Demand to see the kitchen “to see if they qualify to interview you.” Stuff your chef hat with meat, cheese and spices.

10. Start a cooking show — the gimmick is you only use items brought in by the studio audience. Drop the leftover ingredients in your pants.

11. Pretend to be a food reviewer for the New York Times to get free meals. You’ll need an obscure name. Choose from the following:

  • Torre Oatey
  • Melampus Beuzeville
  • Benat Demers

It’s tough to be broke, but you can make it work.