10 MORE Items Goodwill Has Officially Stopped Accepting

The response to my last list was overwhelming. Despite their best efforts, donors have continued to test the limits of what a thrift store can reasonably resell. Here is the updated supplemental list, effective immediately, based on conversations with donation center staff across the country.

Stairs from a Double-Decker Bus

“A spiral staircase to nowhere is not the conversation piece people think it is,” a Toledo intake manager explained. While the British craftsmanship is appreciated, these stairs only ascend approximately seven feet before terminating in open air, which one insurance underwriter flagged as “an attractive nuisance.” Three donors have reportedly asked if Goodwill would accept “just the top step.” They would not.

Jet Plane Tires

Each one weighs 250 pounds, costs more than a sedan, and cannot be repurposed as a tire swing without significant structural engineering. “The donor who insisted his could ‘double as “a bouncy protective layer on his house in case of a metor shower” is wrong,” a Cincinnati employee confirmed. She declined to elaborate.

Shoes Made for Bigfoot

Size 47 EEEEEEEE footwear has limited resale appeal, particularly when constructed from materials donors describe as “found.” Goodwill cannot verify provenance, sasquatch or otherwise, and the smell alone has reportedly cleared two break rooms in the Pacific Northwest. “If your shoes were left behind in the woods,” one regional director said, “please leave them in the woods.”

Magic Markers Used by Perez Hilton Circa 2007–2009

While these are technically historical artifacts, the cultural value of MS Paint scribbles drawn on celebrity paparazzi photos has not appreciated as expected. “The markers themselves are dried out, the caps are missing, and at least one still smells faintly of grievance,” a Los Angeles donation specialist reported. Donors are encouraged to contact a museum that specializes in regret.

Used Backyard Bounce Houses Made from Baloney

Staff have many questions about these donations, and yet none of them feel productive. The structural integrity of cured deli meat as a load-bearing surface has been thoroughly disproven by the very existence of this donation. “Also, you cannot inflate it,” a Milwaukee employee noted. “Also, the raccoons. Always the raccoons.”

Your 7th Grade Diary

“We’re going to be honest with you: nobody wants this,” a Phoenix intake clerk said flatly. “Not us, not a future biographer, not the boy who didn’t notice you in homeroom.” The lock, she clarified, is not a security feature but a mercy. Donors are urged to take the diary home, burn it ceremonially, and tell no one. It’s for their own protection.

Cruise Ship with Holes in the Hull

While Goodwill appreciates that donors are “decluttering,” a 900-foot vessel taking on water in the parking lot creates logistical concerns that exceed standard operating procedures. “The mini-golf course on Deck 11 is admittedly a nice touch,” a Miami employee conceded, “but it does not offset the ongoing maritime emergency.” Donors are encouraged to contact a salvage company, or at minimum, a much larger nonprofit.

Giraffe Neckties

Not neckties printed with giraffes, which Goodwill would happily accept. Actual neckties scaled for giraffes, measuring six feet in length and tapered for a creature with no clear concept of business casual. “The donor claimed these were for a wedding,” one San Diego staffer recalled. She did not ask whose.

Spanish Windmills from the 1600s

Staff understand that the windmill has been in the donor’s family since an ancestor “tilted at it once and felt bad.” Nevertheless, intercontinental shipping of 40-ton stone structures falls outside Goodwill’s intake capabilities. “Two of our employees have reported feeling unusually quixotic since the windmill arrived,” a regional supervisor admitted. “Morale is suffering.”

1998 iMac Turned Into an Active Aquarium

The translucent Bondi Blue housing is iconic. The integrated fish habitat is inspired. The fact that the fish are still in there is alarming. “We cannot accept aquariums with active tenants, retro computing equipment with active tenants, or any donation where something inside is making eye contact with the intake clerk,” an Austin employee stated. Donors are asked to relocate goldfish before returning.