13 new items Goodwill has officially stopped accepting

After consulting with overwhelmed Goodwill donation center managers across the country, I’ve compiled an updated list of items that will be politely (and sometimes not-so-politely) refused at the loading dock. Please review before backing your mini-van of rejected Christmas gifts up to the dock..

Gargoyles

Whether ornamental, ceremonial, or recently animate, gargoyles are no longer accepted. Donation centers report difficulty pricing items that occasionally relocate themselves overnight. One Cleveland location told me “persistent eye contact with the assistant manager” as the final straw.

Giant Bells from Clock Towers

While the heritage value is appreciated, Goodwill simply does not have the forklift capacity. Additionally, the involuntary tolling at 3 a.m. has triggered noise complaints in seven counties. If your bell has a name, a documented history, or a hunchback associated with it, please contact a museum.

Jumbo Jets

“We cannot accept aircraft of any size, but particularly not commercial wide-bodies,” an Akron employee told me. “The parking lot striping is not designed for this. We have made exceptions for hot air balloons in the past and deeply regret it.”

Empty Antacid Bottles

While you’ve been “saving them for something,” Goodwill is not that something. The collective rattling has been described by employees as “the sound of regret.” Please dispose of these along with the unopened juicer and the bread machine.

Broken Hockey Sticks

A hockey stick snapped clean in half is not, as one donor insisted, “two hockey sticks.” Splintered composite is a workplace hazard, and no, Goodwill will not be accepting your “vintage goalie tooth collection” either, even if it’s organized by decade.

Ear Wax Collections

This needs to be said apparently. Regardless of the jar’s craftsmanship, the chronological labeling, or whether you consider it “outsider art,” personal bodily archives fall under Goodwill’s hygiene policy. This also applies to toenail scrapbooks, beard clipping wreaths, and anything described as “a tribute to my dentist.”

Taxidermied Animals That Are “Mostly Fine”

A fox missing one glass eye is not “rustic.” A squirrel posed holding a tiny accordion is charming but fundamentally unsellable when the accordion is also taxidermied. Goodwill particularly cannot accept anything labeled “experimental” by the original artist.

Trebuchets, Catapults, and Other Siege Equipment

Medieval-era weapons fall under the weapons policy, but they clarified this includes the homemade pumpkin-launching variety. Your neighborhood Goodwill cannot store, test, or safely demonstrate a working trebuchet, no matter how impressive the range.

Half-Finished Quilts Containing the Donor’s Hair

Goodwill accepts handcrafts. And linens. They do not accept handcrafts that are also a DNA sample. The quilt market has cooled considerably on “personal essence” as a design feature. This rule was instituted in 2019 and they have not looked back.

Unlabeled Mason Jars of Liquid

If you can’t tell them what’s in it, they definitely can’t sell it. “It might be pickle brine” is not sufficient documentation. This category also covers Tupperware from 2014, anything labeled “starter,” and that one carboy in your basement that occasionally hisses.

Your Ex’s Belongings (Without Their Knowledge)

While they sympathize, Goodwill cannot become an accessory to your breakup. Receiving 47 graphic tees, a PlayStation, and a single houseplant at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday raises questions their intake clerks are not paid enough to ask. The houseplant is welcome. The drama is not.

Working Volcanoes

This includes scale models, dioramas with active vinegar-and-baking-soda mechanisms, and one item described on the donation form as “a small but spirited Krakatoa.” Please consult their Hazardous Materials policy, then consult a geologist, then consult a priest.

Sentient Furniture

Goodwill had to add this one recently. If your armoire has opinions, your ottoman holds grudges, or your rocking chair rocks when nobody’s in it, please understand that their staff cannot in good conscience pass these along to an unsuspecting family. The 1970s yielded a remarkable amount of haunted wicker, and they’re still recovering.