10 reasons Vanderbilt football faces major challenges

Vanderbilt football had a winning tradition in Nashville in the early 1900s. They’ve been trying to find that magic ever since. Here are ten reasons that will be a major challenge:

Psychic Turf 

Vanderbilt’s football field was mistakenly built on an ancient psychic burial ground. As a result, players are constantly distracted by ethereal whispers during games. Eerie chants of “You’re going to fumble” haunt the team and have been found to be oddly prophetic.

Opposite Day Strategy 

Inspired by a misinterpretation of Sun Tzu’s “Art of War,” the coach insists that Opposite Day is every day. Running backs are trained to retreat, quarterbacks aim for interceptions, and the defense often forms a helpful escort for the opposing team’s runners, all of which are as ineffective as they sound.

Kangaroo Cleats 

The team’s equipment manager read somewhere that kangaroos can jump great lengths and heights. Misunderstanding the underlying mechanics, he ordered cleats made from kangaroo leather, mistakenly believing they would impart similar abilities. Players soon found out they did not.

Yoga Halftime 

The coach believes in the holistic power of yoga and has made Vinyasa flow sessions mandatory during halftime. Though the team’s chakras are incredibly aligned, their on-field performance suffers due to general fatigue and occasional bouts of transcendental enlightenment.

Moonlighting Mascot 

Their mascot, “Mr. Commodore,” has a side gig as a motivational speaker and often leaves mid-game to attend corporate events. This leaves the team mascot-less and notably demoralized during key parts of the game.

Pregame Smoothie Ritual 

Before each game, the players partake in a team-bonding smoothie-making ritual that includes a concoction of kale, ginger, and puzzlingly, anchovies. The result is a united but nauseated team, especially the offensive line.

Haiku Playbook 

The coach, a fervent devotee of minimalism, has transformed the playbook into a series of haikus. The plays, while poetic, are open to such broad interpretation that they create havoc during execution.

Over-Reliance on Superstition 

Each player has an individual pre-game superstition, ranging from lucky socks to only entering the field backward. The most disruptive of these involves a player insisting on counting all blades of grass in the end zone before each game, severely delaying play.

Reverse Psychology Fails 

Attempts at using reverse psychology have entirely backfired. Telling players “You can’t possibly win this” was not received as the motivational tactic the coach thought it would be.

The “Gentleman’s Agreement” 

In an effort to adhere to the lofty principles of gentlemanly conduct, the team insists on asking permission before tackling opponents. This typically elicits a polite but firm “no,” making effective defense almost impossible.