Vanderbilt: The smarter the players got, the worse the team did

Vanderbilt is a renowned Nashville research university with lots of smart students. The football team enjoyed many winning seasons. However, the smarter the players got, the worse the football team did. Here are 10 science and technology-infused football plays used by their Mensa-level teams over the years.

Quantum Entanglement Sweep

The quarterback yells “Entangle!” and two wide receivers move in a synchronized manner that confuses defenders, who can’t determine which is going to get the ball. Unfortunately, it also confuses the quarterback, and interceptions are common.

Schrodinger’s Bootleg

In this play, the quarterback simultaneously pretends to hand off the ball and keeps it, leaving defenders in a state of uncertainty. Like Schrodinger’s Cat, the play is both a success and a failure until observed, usually by an opposing linebacker.

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

The offensive line stands perfectly still before the snap, claiming that if they don’t move, the defense can’t know both their position and momentum. This is usually followed by the sound of the quarterback being sacked.

Newton’s Third Law Reverse

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The quarterback hands off to a running back, who then hands it back to the quarterback, who throws it back to the running back. The play generally loses yards, but it’s a physics lesson in action.

Pythagorean Theorem Pass

The wide receiver runs exactly 3 yards out and 4 yards across, then catches a pass at what should be 5 yards according to Pythagorean Theorem. Usually ends with players arguing about the accuracy of the math while the play clock runs out.

Double-Helix Spin

The running back and quarterback spin around each other like strands of DNA. Supposedly this adds to their “genetic” ability to score but typically ends with both players dizzy and prone to fumbling.

Plate Tectonic Shift

The entire offensive line shifts to one side pre-snap, mimicking the movement of Earth’s plates. Unfortunately, like real plate tectonics, this is too slow to avoid oncoming defenders.

Chaos Theory Onside Kick

The kicker aims for the most unpredictable part of the ball, hoping that the chaos theory will lead to an unpredictable bounce and a recovery by the kicking team. It usually just leads to chaos.

Black Hole Punt

The punter aims to kick the ball so high that it simulates the gravitational pull of a black hole, drawing all players towards it and allowing his team to recover. More often, it just results in a touchback.

String Theory Lateral

The ball is lateraled from player to player, each representing a different dimension in string theory. While intellectually satisfying, the play has never gained positive yards and usually results in a string of fumbles.