7 Things I Learned My Freshman Year in College

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Freshman year in college is a major transition, leaving the cocoon of high school where nasty rumors and gossip rule the day, to the challenges of college where nasty rumors and gossip rule the day. Here are seven things I learned my freshman year.

1. Prepare for eating dining hall food by lining your stomach with three inches of cement.

2. You can meet any college girl you want as long as you agree to carry her books and all her sorority sister’s books as well.

3. To earn money, get a job as a lifeguard at the library. Yes, the library. Set up one of those lifeguard stands in the study area. Blow your whistle every hour and shout, “Who runs the show, now, maggots?”

4. Stay on top of your studying. If you do get behind, stay awake the last two weeks of the quarter, studying around the clock, by filling the school pool with coffee — swim two laps every 5 minutes, swallowing a mouthful of coffee on every third stroke.

5. To keep from getting homesick, put a giant picture of your mom’s meatloaf in the window of your dorm. You always hated that meatloaf.

6. Get out of the dorm! Meet new people! Chess club? Yes, chess club!

7. Stop random students on the quad and say, “Listen, kid, whatever you did, you’ll feel better if you confess!”