10 things cocky pickleball players say

1. “Yeah, these paddles are custom-made from carbon-fiber-reinforced polymer with a titanium core. Cost me about 3 grand each, but it’s worth it for the extra spin control. Honestly, if you’re not playing with a paddle that NASA could use to launch satellites, are you even playing pickleball?”

2. “I was pulling off jump smashes before I could walk. By the time I was one, I was already doing 360-degree overheads with one hand while drinking a bottle with the other. My mom likes to tell this story about how I could lob a ball into a crib from 30 feet away.”

3. “My license plate? Oh, it’s *PKLCHMP*. People stop me at traffic lights to take pictures. It’s basically a public service announcement that greatness is on the road. I mean, what else could you possibly want to announce to the world?”

4. “Yeah, I was the number one pickleball player in the country for a while. But then I tore my serratus anterior. It’s a muscle most people have never heard of. That’s the price you pay when you’re playing at *my* level, pushing your body to the absolute limit of what’s humanly possible.”

5. “I only eat wild-caught Alaskan salmon with a side of quinoa for lunch. Gotta fuel the machine, you know? Once you’ve trained with a guy who’s won gold in tennis and eats nothing but kale smoothies, you learn to appreciate the finer things.”

6. “My ex-Olympian trainer? Oh, yeah, she’s got like three gold medals in tennis. Serena calls her when she needs tips. Honestly, I feel like she’s learned more from *me* than I have from her. It’s just that at this point, there’s not much left for me to learn.”

7. “My favorite pickleball courts? Oh, I only play at this ultra-exclusive club in Aspen. It’s invite-only, and you need at least a 6-figure income just to reserve a court. They fly in Himalayan sea salt to maintain the perfect court surface texture. Anything less would be an insult to the sport.”

8. “You know, most people are still doing the standard two-handed backhand, but I’ve been using a triple-handed grip. Yeah, it’s a secret technique. It’ll be in the Olympics soon enough, but I was doing it in high school. I’m basically a pioneer.”

9. “Oh, I’ve got this *limited-edition* paddle that was designed by the guy who engineered Roger Federer’s tennis rackets. It’s so exclusive, they only made three in the world, and I had to fight a Saudi prince for mine. He’s probably still crying over it.”

10. “Most people can’t handle the physicality of my game. That’s why I have to warm up with 100 burpees, 50 one-handed push-ups, and then meditate for 30 minutes. Gotta stay in peak condition if I’m going to keep pulling off around-the-net winners blindfolded like I do.”