10 best deals on the Internet this week  (12-21-24)

1. SLIGHTLY HAUNTED ROOMBA – $299.99 (Originally $666.66)

This pre-owned robotic vacuum comes with its own spiritual presence! Previous owner claims it only screams at night and exclusively vacuums in pentagram patterns. Includes free sage bundle and tiny exorcist. Warning: May form emotional attachments to dust bunnies.

2. PRE-WRITTEN INTERNET ARGUMENTS – 12-Pack Bundle $79.99

Save time with professionally crafted rebuttals! Each comes with three logical fallacies, five spelling errors, and one randomly capitalized WORD. Premium package includes “I Did My Research” template and exclusive access to made-up statistics.

3. DESIGNER CARDBOARD BOX – $899.99 (90% OFF!)

Not just any box – this is a LUXURY box. Hand-folded by retired origami masters, each corner reflects light at precisely the wrong angle. Comes with certificate of authenticity and a small bag of premium air from the warehouse it was stored in.

4. TIME MACHINE SUBSCRIPTION BOX – $29.99/month

Receive random objects from various points in time that definitely haven’t just been bought from thrift stores. May include: “Future” artifacts (broken iPhone screens), “Medieval” treasures (rusty bottle caps), and “Ancient” relics (expired coupons).

5. CLOUD STORAGE – ACTUAL CLOUDS – $599/cubic foot

Why store data digitally when you can own part of a real cloud? Choose from cumulus, stratus, or our premium cumulonimbus package. Note: Storage capacity may vary based on precipitation levels. No refunds for rain.

6. PROFESSIONAL PROCRASTINATION COURSE – Starting at $199

Learn to delay tasks more effectively! Course begins sometime next week (or maybe the week after). Includes advanced techniques in excuse-making and deadline negotiation. Early bird discount expires… eventually.

7. VINTAGE SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS – $49.99/follower

Authentic followers from 2010, before they became disillusioned with life. Each follower guaranteed to have posted at least one inspirational quote and a blurry food photo. Bonus: Includes original profile pictures featuring duck faces.

8. META-DEAL AWARENESS COURSE – $399.99

Learn how to recognize that you’re reading about fake deals while reading about fake deals! Includes certification in circular logic and a complimentary paradox to take home. Warning: Side effects may include spontaneous enlightenment and uncontrollable urge to create listicles.

9. PREMIUM EXISTENTIAL CRISIS PACKAGE – $1,299.99 (LIMITED TIME!)

Tired of having regular crises? Upgrade to our premium package! Includes philosophical conundrums previously reserved for 3 AM thoughts, a collection of “What If?” scenarios that will keep you awake for weeks, and a complementary void to stare into. Bonus: Free “I Question Everything” bumper sticker.

10. CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED DEJA VU MOMENTS – $159.99/each

Experience the same moment twice, guaranteed! Each déjà vu carefully curated from someone else’s memories and gently used only once. Perfect for parties, job interviews, or making mundane moments feel inexplicably familiar. Warning: May cause temporal paradoxes and confused expressions.