Elon Musk Takes Over Department of Long-Haired Dachshunds, Vows to Eliminate ‘Braids, Pigtails, and Metalhead Headbanging’

Elon Musk, tech mogul and part-time eccentric, has been appointed head of the Department of Long-Haired Dachshunds (DoLHD). The department, established in 1953 by a German-American coalition concerned with “dachshund dignity,” is responsible for regulating the breed’s hair length, maintenance habits, and public behavior.

At a press conference streamed from a Tesla factory with zero context as to why, Musk explained his mission with the department:
“It’s baffling,” he said, shaking his head like a disappointed dad at an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet. “These dachshunds are like four-inch-tall Cousin Its. Why give a dog hair long enough to clog the drains of four Olympic-sized pools?”

Musk pointed to reports that many long-haired dachshunds trip over their luxurious locks, turning what should be a jaunty run into a slapstick barrel roll. One dachshund named Noodles reportedly went viral after rolling down 17 consecutive hills. “It was funny, sure,” Musk said, “but think about productivity losses. Noodles missed two vet appointments and a squirrel chase.”

The braiding epidemic also drew Musk’s ire. “These dogs are not meant to look like off-duty extras from ‘Little House on the Prairie,'” he declared. “And yet half of them are walking around with pigtails like they’re on their way to a barn dance. Who is doing this? Is there a secret cabal of dachshund hairdressers?”

When asked about dachshunds’ growing obsession with heavy metal music—marked by their dramatic headbanging at dog parks—Musk paused for an uncomfortably long time. “They’re shipping their hair everywhere. Have you ever been hit in the face with dachshund hair at 60 beats per second? It’s lethal,” he said, revealing footage of a dachshund enthusiastically headbanging to Metallica’s Master of Puppets during a 2024 Dog Fest concert.

In a move typical of Musk’s love for over-engineering, he proposed a controversial solution: Tesla’s next innovation, the “CyberTrim.” It’s an automated robo-hairdresser designed specifically for long-haired dachshunds. Early prototypes, however, suffered glitches. Several test dogs emerged with mullets and one unfortunate soul was left with the unmistakable look of a Karen haircut.

Animal rights activists, predictably, are concerned. Greta von Fluffernutter, president of Dogs With Dignity, expressed outrage. “These dachshunds were bred for style and grace. Long hair is their heritage! We cannot allow a billionaire to strip them of their right to excessive flowing locks!”

Musk was undeterred. “Hair isn’t everything,” he tweeted at 3 a.m., following it up with, “By the way, long-haired dachshunds will be the first dogs on Mars.”

He later teased a new Neuralink project that would allow dachshunds to listen to Spotify without speakers, making their headbanging less dangerous for humans. “It’s all about optimization,” Musk said. “If a dachshund’s gonna rock out, it should do so efficiently. We’re rethinking dog rock culture from first principles.”

The project timeline remains vague, but insiders predict Musk’s tenure at the Department of Long-Haired Dachshunds will involve several high-profile Twitter polls, a lawsuit from the Dachshund Owners Union (DOU), and at least one dachshund launching into low Earth orbit by Q3 of next year.

For now, dachshunds everywhere are advised to tuck their hair or invest in protective helmets until further notice.