Trump’s new DC crime plan: hockey meets law enforcement
President Trump recently said he is taking over the NHL due to rising crime in the league. Today he announced a different use of hockey: helping curb crime in Washington, D.C.
Turning the Capital Into a Rink
President Trump says crime in Washington DC is so bad that “regular walking police” just won’t cut it anymore. His solution? Install underground cooling pipes under every street and sidewalk, turning the city into one giant skating rink. “This will be the most beautiful ice you’ve ever seen,” Trump promised. “Better than Canada. Better than the Olympics. And cheaper too, because I’m not paying the players.”
The Hockey Police Force
Specially trained “Hockey Cops” will glide up and down Pennsylvania Avenue, bodychecking pickpockets into lampposts and hip-checking purse snatchers into the reflecting pool. “You gotta understand,” Trump explained, “when someone steals your catalytic converter, you can’t waste time with paperwork. You hit ‘em with a clean open-ice hit, and they learn fast.” The training program reportedly includes slapshot drills, stickhandling through protest crowds, and two-a-day fights outside the Lincoln Memorial.
Penalty Boxes for the Petty Crooks
For minor offenses, criminals won’t be arrested—at least not right away. Instead, hockey refs in black-and-white stripes will appear out of nowhere, blow a whistle in the suspect’s face, and send them to one of hundreds of clear plexiglass “penalty boxes” scattered around the city. “They’ll sit for two minutes. Maybe five if they mouth off,” said Trump. “If they’re real bad, we’ll do a game misconduct—straight to jail, folks. The full toss.”
Overtime Rules for Repeat Offenders
If the same crook gets caught more than twice in a day, they’ll be subject to “sudden death.” This doesn’t mean execution—it means an intense, one-on-one shootout with a police goalie to see if they earn a free pass or an express ride to prison. “It’s fair. It’s exciting. And it’s great for tourism,” Trump said, adding that NBC has already expressed interest in airing it after Sunday Night Football.
Merchandising the Mayhem
Officials say there will also be a robust merchandising effort. Fans can buy replica Hockey Cop jerseys, foam penalty box hats, and limited-edition bobbleheads of “Enforcer Eddie,” the 6’4” officer rumored to have body-checked a bike thief so hard he ended up in Alexandria.
