10 goofy weapons Pete Hegseth is bringing to the DOD

Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, has approved research and development on ten military tools he swears are the “future of combat.”

1. Marshmallow Gatling Gun

Hegseth raves about a six-barrel marshmallow sprayer capable of neutralizing enemy morale in under three minutes. “Imagine being pinned down by a sugary barrage,” he said, “your will to fight melts faster than a S’more on a Boy Scout campfire.”

2. The Bluetooth Bayonet

No cords, no fuss. Just sync it with your phone and stab away. Pete claims it comes with voice-activated commands like, “Alexa, poke that tank.”

3. The Psychic Hotline Brainwave Blaster

A high-powered frequency broadcast beamed into enemy heads, convincing them their mother is calling. “You can’t resist a mom call,” Pete explained, “not even the Taliban.”

4. Inflatable Aircraft Carrier

Blow it up in 90 seconds flat and park it anywhere, including landlocked regions. Hegseth says the movie showed one unfolding on a soccer field in Minsk while AC/DC played overhead.

5. The Corn Dog Launcher

Developed in Iowa, this shoulder-mounted unit fires steaming-hot corn dogs. “Delicious and devastating,” Pete chuckled, “perfect for both lunch and combat.”

6. Drone Swarms Shaped Like Bald Eagles

Thousands of drones form a massive airborne eagle that flaps across the sky screaming, “U-S-A!” Hegseth insists the enemy immediately sues for peace.

7. The Laser Pointer of Doom

Originally designed for middle school PowerPoints, it now blinds enemies from six miles away. “One beam and boom, their tank driver thinks he’s chasing a red dot like a cat,” said Pete.

8. The Freedom Frisbee

Looks like a normal flying disc, but slices through steel like warm butter. “The scene where it decapitated a Russian tank turret got the theater cheering like it was the Super Bowl,” Pete claimed.

9. The Sonic Boom-Boom Box

It looks like a boombox from 1986. Hit play, and the bassline alone levels buildings. “Pretty sure it was invented at a Def Leppard concert,” Pete explained.

10. The Tactical Glitter Grenade

Pull the pin, toss it, and boom—your enemy sparkles like a Vegas lounge act for the rest of their career. “Hard to wage jihad when you’re covered in pink glitter,” Pete insisted.

Hegseth’s Final Review

Pete concludes his review by declaring “Weapons” the finest military recruitment film ever made, despite the absence of Tom Cruise and despite, of course, never having seen it. “Five stars,” he saluted, “and I hope Congress approves the funding for all ten.”