10 towns Trump will take next

After invading Los Angeles, DC and soon Chicago, I talked to my people on the ground to get a list of the towns Trump will take next.

1. Mudflap Junction, Arkansas

A crossroads famous for one gas station, three bait shops, and a mayor who doubles as the town’s karaoke DJ. Troops are expected to parachute into the Dollar General parking lot for maximum coverage.

2. Clamshuck Harbor, Maine

A fog-choked fishing hamlet where 14 residents still argue over who stole the 1979 town lobster trap. National Guard plans to arrive by amphibious vehicles, even though the tide is out and they’ll be stuck in mud for hours.

3. Prairie Dog Crossing, Kansas

Population 27 humans, 4,000 prairie dogs. The president will claim the rodents are part of a “deep burrow” network plotting against him. CNN’s camera crew already reserved the only functioning porta-potty.

4. Icicle Shelf, North Dakota

A frozen ridge community where houses are made of reinforced snow and the local school mascot is “The Frostbite.” Tanks will circle the ice formations for B-roll until they sink into a slush pit.

5. Possum Holler, West Virginia

A mountain top settlement famous for its moonshine festival and its one surviving possum, “Randy.” Federal forces will reportedly rappel down to “take the ridge,” but mostly get tangled in laundry lines.

6. Seagull’s Rest, Oregon Coast

A windswept seaside hamlet with 19 crab shacks, one lighthouse, and a seagull who’s mayor by default. The invasion is timed with sunset so Fox News can air slow-motion flag shots against crashing waves.

7. Cactus Fork, Arizona

A dusty plain with one diner, “Fork You Café,” and the world’s largest tumbleweed museum. Blackhawk helicopters will hover for dramatic dust clouds while residents shout at them to stop scaring the horses.

8. Maple Syrup Bend, Vermont

A sleepy forest town where everyone works in syrup or candle-making. Expect Humvees surrounding sugar shacks while the president declares maple syrup a “strategic resource.”

9. Gator Puddle, Louisiana

Half swamp, half bait shop. The Pentagon reportedly advised against it, but the president insisted because “alligators are tough, like me.” Marines will need fan boats to surround the single Waffle House.

10. Forgotten Gulch, Nevada

An abandoned mining outpost where the last census counted two prospectors and a haunted saloon piano. Troops will stage a dramatic midnight sweep through ghost town streets that haven’t seen life since 1953.