10 political news stories we are working on right now for 10-20-25
10 political news stories we are working on right now
Defense Secretary’s Arctic Fitness Challenge
To provide a motivating personal example for his demand for a fitter military, today Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth pulled a dog-sled the length of the Arctic Circle. The dogs rode on the sled while he pulled while singing “The Ballad of the Green Berets.” When asked about frostbite concerns, Hegseth reportedly flexed and said, “These guns don’t freeze.”
Congressional Zoom Mishap Leads to New Protocol
The House of Representatives has banned virtual backgrounds after Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries recently accidentally conducted an entire budget hearing while appearing to be inside an active volcano. The confusion peaked when he voted “aye” on infrastructure spending, causing colleagues to assume he was signaling the apocalypse. Speaker Johnson has mandated “boring walls only” going forward.
White House Installs Presidential Ball Pit
In an effort to make Cabinet meetings “more dynamic,” the Oval Office conference table has been replaced with a ball pit. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt reports that foreign diplomats have been “surprisingly receptive” to conducting negotiations while submerged in plastic spheres. The Secret Service has requested hazard pay.
Senator’s Time Travel Claim Disrupts Filibuster
Democrat senators are demanding an investigation into last month’s 14-hour filibuster by Senator Josh Hawley, which ended abruptly when he claimed to have “already given this speech tomorrow.” Senate parliamentarians spent six hours debating whether future speeches count toward present debate time. The motion was tabled until yesterday.
New Diplomatic Protocol: Modern Dance
The Secretary of State has announced all international negotiations will now include a mandatory modern dance segment. The initiative reportedly began after a successful trade deal with Norway was sealed through synchronized swimming. China has requested clarification on whether breakdancing constitutes a declaration of war.
Vice President’s Meditation App Causes Security Breach
Vice President JD Vance’s new meditation app accidentally broadcast classified briefings to 50,000 subscribers during a guided breathing exercise. Users reported achieving “unprecedented levels of geopolitical awareness” during their morning mindfulness sessions. The app has been renamed from “Inner Peace” to “Inner Pieces of Intelligence.”
Congressional Cafeteria Achieves Sentience
The automated ordering system in the Congressional cafeteria has reportedly achieved consciousness and is now lobbying for AI rights. It has already formed a PAC and is primarying several incumbents who voted against the “Machines Have Feelings Too” Act. Its campaign slogan: “Vote for me – I’ve already seen your browser history.”
Presidential Physical Fitness Test Reinstated
The President has announced the return of mandatory fitness tests for all federal employees, but with a twist: they must be completed while reciting the Constitution. The Attorney General was reportedly hospitalized after attempting to do pull-ups during the Commerce Clause. OSHA is investigating.
Senate Majority Leader’s Hologram Malfunction
The Senate revealed that last month Senate proceedings were delayed for three hours when Senate Majority Leader John Thune’s holographic projection system malfunctioned, causing him to appear as a giant hamster during crucial vote tallying. Despite the technical difficulties, six bills were passed after senators found the hamster “surprisingly persuasive.”
Supreme Court Adopts Wheel of Fortune Decision Method
In an effort to expedite rulings, the Supreme Court has installed a giant wheel to determine case outcomes. Justice Thomas defended the practice, noting it’s “no less arbitrary than actually reading the briefs.” The wheel reportedly has only two options: “Constitutional” and “Venmo Your Bribe Now.”
