LSU asks President Trump to pick next quarterback

After firing head coach Brian Kelly and now athletic director Scott Woodward, Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry suggested Trump might help LSU find their next head coach. He might not have known ten universities have actually made the same offer in the past. The results have been catastrophic, hilarious, and in one case, potentially unconstitutional.

“Nobody knows winners like me,” Trump said at a press conference to discuss the LSU situation, surrounded by lawsuits. “These schools, they came to me, tears in their eyes, saying ‘Sir, please sir, help us find a coach.’ And I did. It’s not my fault if their quarterbacks couldn’t handle the pressure.”

The wreckage spans from coast to coast, leaving athletic directors jobless, fanbases in therapy, and the NCAA considering whether to ban former presidents from football operations entirely.

Northwestern State Pelicans (Southland Conference)

Trump’s first selection was Chad Muscles, a quarterback he met at a Mar-a-Lago dinner who claimed to have “played some ball” in high school. It turned out Muscles had been the backup kicker for a New Jersey prep school in 1987 and hadn’t touched a football since. Nevertheless, Trump insisted he had “incredible genes” and “looked like a coach.”

Muscles’ tenure lasted exactly one practice. He attempted to implement a “no huddle, no playbook, just vibes” offensive system and was arrested on day two for impersonating a medical professional after trying to give himself a coaching physical. Northwestern State finished 0-11, and their stadium is now being used to store carnival equipment. The Pelicans’ athletic director fled to Canada and was last seen coaching youth hockey under an assumed name.

East Kentucky Mountain Lions (Big South Conference)

For East Kentucky, Trump selected Derek “The Hammer” Hammerstein, a former reality TV contestant from “Are You Tough Enough?” who Trump claimed was “basically Bill Belichick with better ratings.” Hammerstein had never watched a complete football game but insisted he could “figure it out on the fly.”

His innovative strategies included punting on first down “to confuse the enemy,” requiring all players to wear gold-plated helmets that were too heavy to run in, and replacing the team’s playbook with motivational quotes from fortune cookies. The Mountain Lions lost their first game 87-0, with Hammerstein calling a timeout to take a phone call from his agent during a crucial fourth-quarter drive. They were outscored 612-14 on the season. The university has since dropped football entirely and converted their stadium into a Spirit Halloween superstore.

Central Florida Manatees (American Athletic Conference)

Trump personally vouched for Lance Buckingham, calling him “the Tom Brady of coaching, maybe better, people are saying it.” Buckingham was actually a Tom Brady impersonator from Orlando who performed at corporate events. He had remarkably similar hair and could throw a football approximately eleven yards.

The confusion became apparent when Buckingham showed up to his first game signing autographs as Brady and trying to sell his own merchandise. His play-calling consisted entirely of “just do what the Patriots do,” which was unhelpful since none of his players knew what that meant. After the Manatees were shut out in seven consecutive games, investigators discovered Buckingham had been stealing from the team’s Gatorade budget to fund a failing airboat tour business. He is currently banned from all CFP-affiliated venues and from being within 500 feet of any football-shaped object.

Idaho Stampede (Mountain West Conference)

Trump selected Brick Jansen, a CrossFit influencer with 47,000 Instagram followers, declaring him “in tremendous shape, probably the fittest coach in history.” Jansen immediately replaced all football practice with burpees, tire flips, and something he called “tactical breathing seminars.”

By week three, the entire offensive line was injured from excessive box jumps, and the quarterback required Tommy John surgery despite never having thrown a pitch. Jansen also banned carbohydrates, which led to players fainting during games. The Stampede’s season highlight was losing 66-3 to a local community college’s JV squad. Idaho’s president issued a formal apology to the concept of sports, and Jansen now runs a failed supplement company from his parents’ basement.

South Alabama Bayou Bears (Sun Belt Conference)

Trump called Mason Garrett “a natural leader, you can see it in his eyes, very powerful eyes.” Garrett was a cryptocurrency entrepreneur who had recently lost $14 million of investors’ money and was looking for a career change. He had played intramural flag football in college, which Trump interpreted as “basically professional experience.”

Garrett attempted to pay players in his own digital currency, “BayouCoin,” which became worthless within hours of its launch. He also tried to monetize team practices by selling NFTs of plays, none of which worked. His offensive scheme involved players standing in blockchain formation, which is not a real football concept. The Bayou Bears went 1-10, with their only win coming via forfeit when their opponent’s bus broke down. The university is currently being investigated by the SEC, not the Southeastern Conference, but the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Western Virginia Coalminers (Conference USA)

Trump enthusiastically endorsed Tyler “T-Bone” Bronson, a contestant from “The Apprentice” Season 14 who Trump fired in episode three. “He’s learned so much since then,” Trump explained. “Losing makes you stronger. He’s probably the strongest now.”

Bronson had zero football experience but tremendous confidence, which lasted until kickoff of game one. His strategy involved exclusively running quarterback sneaks, regardless of field position or down-and-distance. He also believed offsides was “fake news” and argued with referees so aggressively that Western Virginia set an NCAA record for personal foul penalties. The Coalminers lost every game by at least 40 points, and Bronson was eventually fired mid-game during a 91-7 defeat when he tried to substitute himself in at running back. He now sells timeshares in Branson, Missouri.

Northern Arizona Scorpions (Big Sky Conference)

Trump selected Quinn Mahoney because “he went to a really good school, Ivy League, very smart guy, probably too smart for football but we’ll see.” Mahoney had indeed attended Yale, where he was the equipment manager for the sailing team. His football knowledge came entirely from watching the first half of “Remember the Titans” on a flight.

Mahoney’s coaching philosophy centered on “intellectual intimidation,” which meant having players recite Shakespeare passages at opponents during the snap count. He also banned tackling during practice, calling it “unnecessarily confrontational,” and required defensive players to ask offensive players for consent before attempting tackles during games. The Scorpions lost every contest, averaged 4.2 points per game, and allowed 58.7. Mahoney resigned after six games to “pursue opportunities in artisanal cheese,” and the university replaced him with a traffic cone, which actually performed better.

East Texas Tornadoes (Southland Conference)

Trump selected Ryder Stone, a motivational speaker who once gave a TED Talk about “winning from within” that Trump watched on YouTube. Stone had never played organized sports but had written three self-published books about success, none of which sold more than 200 copies, mostly to his relatives.

Stone’s coaching consisted almost entirely of visualization exercises. He had players spend hours imagining touchdowns rather than practicing actual football. His pre-game speeches lasted so long that the Tornadoes received delay-of-game penalties before games even started. During one halftime, he led the team in a guided meditation that lasted 45 minutes, causing them to miss the entire third quarter. The Tornadoes finished 0-11 with a point differential of -487. Stone now runs a wellness retreat in Sedona where football is strictly prohibited.

Michigan Tech Wolverine Juniors (Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference)

Trump picked Carson Drake because “he has a great last name, very strong, like a dragon.” Drake was a regional manager at Enterprise Rent-A-Car who once quarterbacked his fantasy football league to a second-place finish. Trump considered this “basically the same thing.”

Drake treated the football team like a sales department, implementing commission-based playing time and requiring players to attend motivational seminars about “closing the deal on the gridiron.” He traded the team’s best running back to a local high school for “future considerations” and attempted to lease out defensive positions to the highest bidder. Michigan Tech went 0-10, was investigated for NCAA violations, and Drake was eventually escorted off campus by police after trying to sell the goalpost to a scrap metal dealer. He is now banned from all universities that begin with the letter M.

Central Missouri Thunder Cats (Mid-America Intercollegiate Athletics Association)

Trump’s final selection was Diesel Murphy, whose main qualification was that his uncle had once met Joe Montana at an airport. Trump called this “a direct connection to greatness, really incredible lineage.” Murphy was a nightclub promoter from Kansas City who thought “audible” meant turning up the volume.

Murphy’s practices featured DJ sets, laser light shows, and more promotional giveaways than actual football drills. He recruited players based on their social media following rather than athletic ability and live-streamed all team meetings against NCAA regulations. The Thunder Cats lost every game, usually by 50-plus points, and Murphy was fired after attempting to raffle off scholarships during a homecoming game. Central Missouri has since banned anyone named Diesel from campus and removed Trump’s number from their contacts.

The Aftermath

Cosnidering this unprecedented string of disasters and the new LSU possibility, the NCAA has issued new guidelines prohibiting “presidential interference in athletic hiring decisions” and “selection of coaches based on vibes alone.” Trump, meanwhile, has insisted the failures were not his fault.

“These schools, they didn’t follow my instructions,” Trump said from his golf course. “I gave them winners. The best coaches. It’s not my fault their players couldn’t execute. Also, some of those schools were very unfair to me. Very unfair. I’m being treated worse than any coaching consultant in history.”

Athletic directors across the nation have collectively agreed to never ask Trump for coaching advice again, though several have expressed interest in his opinions on landscaping. LSU, having witnessed this carnage, has quietly decided to conduct their coaching search the old-fashioned way: by panic-hiring whoever answered their phone call first at 3 a.m.