6 music acts scheduled for the Grand Opening of the Trump Ballroom
Headliner: Kid Rock with special guest Ted Nugent
They perform “Sweet Home Mar-a-Lago” while marching around with gold-painted muskets.
The Village People (with two guys missing and one lookalike from Boca Raton)
Half the audience thinks it’s a protest; Trump thinks it’s a recruitment drive for Space Force.
The Three Tenors, technically one tenor and two guys from America’s Got Talent
They sing Ave Maria in front of an LED wall that keeps flashing “Don Jr. – Assistant Producer.”
Scott Baio and the Trumpettes
An interpretive medley of Happy Days and YMCA, ending with Scott tearfully insisting he was almost in Hamilton.
DJ Rudy G
Rudy Giuliani spins “Stop the Steal (Remix)” while leaking metaphorical and possibly literal fluids onto the turntables.
Intermission Entertainment:
Eric Trump’s chainsaw ice sculpture demonstration set to Eye of the Tiger. The sculpture collapses into a perfect likeness of his father by accident.
Special Appearance: The Rockettes (pending court order)
Half of them are rumored to have fled to Tampa. The remaining five perform Make America Kick Again.
Closing Act: Lee Greenwood
He sings God Bless the USA four times in a row while a hologram of the Statue of Liberty slowly shakes her head.
As the confetti cannons fire, Trump takes the mic, declares the evening “the greatest cultural event since the invention of mirrors,” and invites everyone to invest in “Trump Dance Academy—where nobody moves better, or faster, or believes in me more.”
