10 activist reporters who were too late for the story

For over five years Minnesota has been convicting criminals, over 90 so far, who engaged in a criminal conspiracy of fraud involving daycares and home health care. Recently an activist reporter learned about this, went to Minneapolis and found no kids at a local daycare center. Here are 10 other times reporters were too late for the story and found nothing.

1. Jerry “Disruptor” Newsjoonkie – Mean Moose, Maine (1999)

At the dawn of the internet age, when dial-up modems screamed like dying fax machines, Jerry “Disruptor” Newsjoonkie descended upon Old Kylinski’s maple syrup collective in a remote glen outside Mean Moose, Maine. Armed with a camcorder the size of a cinder block and rumors of illegal vodka tree-tapping operations producing “spiked syrup” for Canadian smugglers, Jerry burst through the tree line screaming “Where is the hooch? Where is the hooch?” Three workers on a smoke break looked up from their card game, squinted at the panting man in cargo shorts, and returned to their hand of euchre. Jerry’s 47-minute VHS documentary, uploaded to RealPlayer, garnered eleven views—eight of which were his mother checking if the link worked.

2. Brenda “The Beacon” Hoffstetter – Tulsa, Oklahoma (2003)

Convinced that a local Chuck E. Cheese was actually a front for a sophisticated identity theft ring—”Why else would they take your name for pizza orders?”—Brenda stormed the Tulsa location during a Saturday birthday rush. Her GoPro (duct-taped to a bicycle helmet) captured forty-five minutes of animatronic entertainment, screaming children, and one deeply confused teenager in a mouse costume. When Brenda demanded to see “the server room where you harvest the data,” the manager showed her a closet containing a mop, a bucket, and a 1996 calendar featuring kittens. Brenda later pivoted to investigating whether library late fees were “actually a shadow tax.”

3. Douglas “Deep State Doug” Wampler – Sedona, Arizona (2007)

Following an anonymous tip on an early conspiracy forum, Doug became convinced that Sedona’s famous vortex sites were covers for underground government facilities where “energy experiments” were conducted on tourists. He spent three weeks filming various rocks. At one point, he confronted a group of meditating yoga instructors, demanding they reveal “the entrance.” One woman, mid-downward dog, opened a single eye and said, “Sir, this is a wellness retreat.” Doug’s documentary, “Vortex of Lies,” was briefly popular among people who also believed that wind chimes were “acoustic surveillance.”

4. Patricia “Pitbull Patty” Marscapone – Gary, Indiana (2011)

Patty had sources—she always had sources—and those sources told her that an abandoned JCPenney in a dying mall was secretly operational at night, processing “ghost shipments” of counterfeit Beanie Babies for collectors who “knew too much.” She broke in at 2 AM with a flashlight and a drone she didn’t know how to operate. Her footage shows forty-seven minutes of empty retail space, one raccoon, and the drone crashing into a defunct escalator. The raccoon, whom Patty named “Gregory,” was the video’s only viral moment, briefly becoming a meme captioned “When someone asks if you’ve seen the counterfeit Beanie Babies.”

5. Terrence “T-Truth” McAllister – Boise, Idaho (2014)

T-Truth spent eight months tracking what he called “the potato laundering network”—a supposed scheme in which Idaho potato farms were funneling money to unnamed foreign interests by over-reporting crop yields. His big exposé involved sneaking onto a farm at dawn and filming rows of potatoes. Just potatoes. His dramatic confrontation with a farmhand yielded only: “Those are Russets.” When T-Truth demanded to know “where the fake potatoes are stored,” the farmhand removed his hat, scratched his head, and walked away. T-Truth’s YouTube channel now focuses on “suspicious patterns in grocery store loyalty programs.”

6. Melinda “Midnight Mel” Johansson – Duluth, Minnesota (2016)

Mel was convinced that a 24-hour laundromat called “Sudsy’s” was a hub for coded communications between what she termed “globalist dry-cleaning operatives.” She spent six nights filming patrons loading washers. Her big confrontation came when she approached an elderly man folding towels and asked, “What’s the signal? What do two fabric softener sheets mean?” The man, Harold Gustafson, age 79, responded: “It means I like soft towels, young lady.” Mel’s documentary was three hours long and featured extensive analysis of lint trap contents. Harold later told local news he was “just trying to do his laundry in peace.”

7. Kevin “K-Anon” Delvecchio – Reno, Nevada (2018)

K-Anon had decoded a pattern in Arby’s menu pricing that, when mapped geographically, allegedly pointed to a warehouse in Reno where “crisis actors were trained.” He traveled 400 miles to confront the location, which turned out to be a storage facility for a regional theater company. His footage shows bewildered volunteers unpacking costumes for a community production of Oklahoma! When Kevin screamed that he’d “found the actors,” the director, a retired schoolteacher named Phyllis, said, “Yes, dear, we’re doing auditions Tuesday if you’re interested.” Kevin did not audition. His channel was later banned for unrelated reasons involving claims about municipal water fountains.

8. Stephanie “StopTheSteal Steph” Burnholdt – Kenosha, Wisconsin (2020)

Steph received what she described as “irrefutable photographic evidence” that a local community center was stockpiling pre-filled ballots in its gymnasium. She arrived at 6 AM on a Sunday with a camera crew consisting of her cousin Derek and his girlfriend, who “knew lighting.” They discovered a church pancake breakfast in progress. When Steph demanded access to “the ballot room,” an elderly parishioner handed her a plate of pancakes and said, “Honey, you look hungry.” Steph ate the pancakes. Derek’s girlfriend got several compliments on the lighting. The documentary was never completed, though the pancake recipe was later shared in the comments.

9. Brandon “B-Rock” Stentworth – Austin, Texas (2022)

B-Rock’s investigation centered on a suburban escape room business he believed was a training facility for “antifa super-soldiers.” His evidence: the business was called “Escape the Deep State,” which he interpreted as a “hidden confession.” He paid $35 to participate in a room themed around a zombie outbreak and spent 58 minutes looking for “the real door” while his teammates tried to solve a puzzle involving fake blood and a combination lock. When the timer expired, a teenager in a referee shirt opened the door and said, “Better luck next time.” B-Rock’s TikTok about the experience was captioned “THEY LET ME OUT BECAUSE THEY KNEW I WAS ONTO THEM.”

10. Chadwick “The Chad” Mountebank – Phoenix, Arizona (2024)

The Chad’s magnum opus involved a strip mall acupuncture clinic he believed was distributing “mind control frequencies” through its relaxation music. Armed with an EMF detector he’d purchased on Amazon and a GoPro strapped to a fishing hat, he burst into the clinic during a noon appointment and began waving the detector at a woman receiving treatment for lower back pain. “THE FREQUENCIES! THE FREQUENCIES!” he shouted, while the detector beeped at the wall outlet. The acupuncturist, Dr. Linda Hsu, calmly asked if he’d like to book an appointment for stress. The woman on the table, still face-down, said, “Some of us are trying to relax, dude.” The Chad’s video received 200,000 views, primarily from people tagging it with crying-laughing emojis. Dr. Hsu reported a 40% increase in new clients afterward, many of whom mentioned wanting “the full frequency experience.”