Democrats float plan to invoice Republicans for decades of deficit cleanup

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two Democratic senators announced Tuesday they are “seriously exploring” a resolution that would formally bill the Republican Party for what they describe as “recurring fiscal remediation services rendered since approximately 1981.”

The proposal, which does not yet exist as actual legislation and may never, was floated by Sen. Diane Taxnspend (D-VT) and her co-sponsor Sen. Marcus Factfinder (D-OR) during a press conference that drew a surprisingly large crowd, most of whom assumed there was a more important briefing next door.

“Look, we’ve been doing this for free for decades,” said Sen. Taxnspend, gesturing at a laminated chart that appeared to have been made at a FedEx Office that morning. “You run it up, we clean it up, you run it up again. At some point that’s not governance, that’s a subscription. And we’d like to be paid for it.”

Sen. Factfinder, who co-chairs the newly formed and entirely informal Senate Subcommittee on We Told You So, was more pointed in his remarks.

“Reagan took the deficit from $70 billion to $175 billion. Bush 41 took it to $300 billion. Clinton zeroed it out. Bush 43 took it from zero to $1.2 trillion. Obama cut it in half,” Factfinder said, reading from what appeared to be the same chart. “We have receipts. Literally. We’ve had them since 1993. We’ve been waiting for the right moment.”

That moment, apparently, is now.

The proposed framework — described in a four-page memo that sources say is “mostly bullet points and one pie chart” — would establish a billing structure for fiscal services rendered, including a base rate for deficit stabilization, a premium “full recovery” package, and what the memo reportedly calls a “1,204% Surcharge”, a line item named in honor of the George W. Bush administration’s percentage increase to the federal deficit, a figure that both senators confirmed is real and not a typo.

“We double-checked it,” said Taxnspend. “We triple-checked it. It’s real. One thousand, two hundred and four percent. We actually had to add a new tier to our rate card.”

The senators acknowledged the proposal has no co-sponsors, no committee assignment, no CBO score, and has not been reviewed by the Senate parliamentarian, legal counsel, or anyone with a law degree.

“We’re in the exploratory phase,” said Factfinder.

The reaction from across the aisle was swift, loud, and delivered at a volume that rattled the Capitol’s third-floor windows.

“This is the single most outrageous, un-American, constitutionally dubious piece of non-legislation I have ever had the displeasure of reading about in a press release!” thundered Rep. Buck Barbwire (R-TX), the House’s self-appointed guardian of fiscal conservative principles, at a counter-press conference held approximately forty-five minutes later in the same hallway.

“If Democrats get to charge us for the deficit, then why can’t we charge them for the military? For the highways? For the time Harry Truman made us all eat margarine?” Barbwire said, his voice rising. “Where does it end? Are we going to start sending invoices every time somebody disagrees with somebody in this town? Because I have got a long list!”

Rep. Barbwire did not elaborate on the margarine reference. His press secretary did not respond to follow-up questions.

When informed that the proposal was not actually a bill, did not have any sponsors beyond the original two, and could not legally compel anyone to pay anything, Barbwire paused briefly before responding.

“That’s not the point,” he said.

For their part, Sens. Taxnspend and Factfinder say they are open to negotiation on the rate schedule, though Taxnspend noted that the Clinton-era surplus recovery would be billed at a premium.

“The full package — where you take a $255 billion deficit and turn it into a $128 billion surplus — that’s skilled labor,” Taxnspend said. “That’s not an entry-level price.”

Factfinder added that they were also considering a retroactive invoice dating to the Eisenhower administration, though that remains “in discussion.”

“We’re still working through the math on Ike,” he said. “He was actually pretty good. We may give him a pass.”

The senators ended the press conference by distributing a one-page FAQ, the final question of which read: “Is this a real bill?” The answer, printed below it, read: “Define ‘real.'”