Flight Attendant Wanted: Three years mixed-martial arts required

People are losing their minds on airplanes today. Over-served, pandemic-weary, tired of wearing masks, they loudly protest with flight attendants about the slightest little thing, often escalating their case into punching and kicking.

As a result, airlines have changed the basic job requirements for flight attendants. A recent ad says it all.

Flight Attendant wanted for major carrier.

Must have three years of either mixed-martial arts (MMA) or equivalent training in karate, jiu-jitsu or Krav Maga. Special consideration will be given to applicants with demonstrated ability in Brazilian jiu-jitsu or capoeira.

Candidates should be able to:

• Block punches while pouring coffee.
• Defend against multiple attackers while telling a customer “your baby is so cute!”
• Pull a deranged customer away from the cabin door as they struggle to open it.
• Communicate with an intoxicated flyer and convince them masks are not a communist plot.
• Use the beverage cart as a battering ram to knock down two customers in full boxing mode.
• Clothesline a customer using the seats to jump in the air in an attempt to give other passengers a Tombstone Piledriver.
• Perform precision kicks to knock beers out of the hand of drunk passengers starting fights.

Submit resumes, cover letter and win-loss record to Human Resources.