Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

General
Joe Ditzel

Road Kill

Many people in LA fit the laid-back Southern California image. Others need to increase their Prozac dosage. Like the guy I accidentally cut off on the freeway once. He was going around 220 M.P.H. when my safe lane change apparently impeded his forward progress. He slowed to within inches of my rear bumper, showing his displeasure by honking wildly and flashing his lights. Ok, ok. I decided to move over to let his highness pass.

Unfortunately, this was at the same time he decided to go around me. So now he thinks I am playing with him and he is really mad. He is so close to me now he’s sitting in the passenger seat. He swings around to the right side and pulls up next to me, weaving back and forth, missing hitting my car by millimeters.

Finally, I said to myself- that’s enough for me! Time to go. I shot past him. He came after me. I exited the freeway and watched him follow me. I headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. At the first stop light he came up right behind me. All four doors opened. There is more than one guy. There are four.

Oddly, they just stood there yelling at me. I thought they were coming over to club me. The light turned green and I took off. They jumped back in came after me. I weaved in and out of traffic. “Road King” followed as close as he could. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if he was still there. I felt like Maverick in Top Gun, “I’ve got a bogie at seven o’clock!”

I came to a stop at the next light. They pulled up behind me again. The doors opened – they got out again. But again they stood there.

Then I heard it. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

They were pelting my car with beer bottles. But, most of the bottles hit my convertible roof and bounced like kids in the bounce house at McDonald’s. I took off when the light changed. They didn’t get back in the car in time. I shot down a side street. See ya.

It never rains in Southern California. Except beer bottles.

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Joe Ditzel

Dragging the Deer

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.

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Joe Ditzel

Blue Silk Pajamas

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Northern Pike, and a few Perch. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?”

“I did. They were in your tackle box.”

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Joe Ditzel

Eddie’s Father

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Eddie’s father asked how much his last date had cost.

Eddie said, “Oh, about $15 or so.”

“Well, I’m proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening.”

“To be honest Dad, we’d have done more, but that was all the money she had.”

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Jokes
Joe Ditzel

Give Someone an Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”

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Joe Ditzel

Convoluted Compromise

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

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Joe Ditzel

Using a Biblical Example

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.”

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

“Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”

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Joe Ditzel

Your Dog Is a Thief

A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher leaves feeling vindicated.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

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