Joe Ditzel

Ace Ventura: If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer.

– Ace Ventura Pet Detective

[mimicking Sean Connery]
Ace Ventura: Lovely party. Pity I wasn’t invited.

– Ace Ventura

Ace Ventura: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew… now I feel better. ‘Course, that might not do any good you see nobody’s missing a porpoise. It’s a dolphin that’s been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I’m sure you already knew that. That’s what turns me on about ‘cha, your attention to detail.

– Ace Ventura Pet Detective

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don’t do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you’ll just make him mad.

– Blazing Saddles

Ben Stern: [to 7-year-old Howard] You’re a moron! Now shut up and sit still!

– Howard Stern’s Private Parts

Charlotte: You’re probably just having a mid-life crisis. Did you buy a Porsche yet?

– Lost in Translation

Russell Ziskey: I once got my ass kicked in Wisconsin.

– Stripes