Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

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Joe Ditzel

Fast Talking Disclaimer

I heard a car commercial on the radio the other day that sounded a little unbelievable:

“The Violator is available for a limited time for only $99/ month!”

Then at the end of the commercial a guy started talking real fast:

“$99 month is a 6 month lease only on approved credit. Capital reduction fee of $15,000. Does not include car doors, rear bumper or left side tires.”

He negated everything about the commercial by putting a fast-talking disclaimer afterwards! Wouldn’t that be great if you could do that in your real life?

Claim: I am going to start running every day.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Running every day does include not religious holidays, Thanksgiving, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, days I am too tired to run, days I am not too tired to run but a Seinfeld episode comes on that I haven’t seen, Mondays, Fridays, and any other days ending in ‘y’.

Claim: I am going to stop smoking.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Stopping smoking does not include borrowing other people’s cigarettes, smoking while drinking, smoking to help celebrate a victory, smoking to overcome a disappointment, smoking to overcome nervousness, smoking while calm, or any smoking before 12 noon.

The fast talking disclaimer could be used by many people. Like stockbrokers:

Claim: This one is a winner. I say we go all in.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of this stock being a “winner” may be influenced by the fact that we do not have any idea what we are talking about, by the sudden arrest and conviction of firm partners for insider trading, or by sudden fluctuations in the recommended stock including sudden and total devaluation.

Or TV weather people:

Claim: It will be sunny all day today.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Predictions of sunny weather do not include the interruption of sunshine in whole or in part by any or all of the following: clouds, rain, thunderstorms, lightning, hail, fog, sleet, snow, El Nino, La Nina, tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, typhoons, cyclones, blizzards, or precipitation of any kind.

Or humor writers:

Claim: Fast Talking Disclaimers are funny.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of humor are based on previous special cases. Your experience may differ. Additionally- all chuckles, snickers, giggles, titters, guffaws, grunts, snorts, and sighs of disappointment will be registered as laughter.

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Sports
Joe Ditzel

Screen Damage

As soon as the ball left the tee, I knew I had sliced it hard. It skyrocketed over three sand-traps and headed for a row of homes. I yelled “FORE!” out of habit even though no one seemed to be around- there never is in Palm Springs in August.

The ball smacked into a screen covering a window. It hit so hard the screen jumped off the window onto the grass like it was just electrocuted.

Suddenly an older couple appeared on the patio. They did not look happy.

“If that is as good as you can hit a golf ball, it’s back to the driving range for you,” the man yelled as I pulled up in a cart.

I apologized and asked if everyone was OK. The only injury was the poor screen. It lay on the ground like it had been shot. I didn’t see any holes. I must have hit the frame.

“It’s a good thing you stopped. We were going to call the clubhouse if you didn’t stop. This is not a good thing,” he harangued.

Yeah, it is a tragedy. That screen doesn’t look like it will make it. Better call the paramedics: “Engine 51, this is Rampart General. We have a window screen with a frame injury on the fourteenth hole at Heritage Highlands. Administer WD-40, transport as soon as possible.”

I held the screen from outside while he secured the pins inside that hold it to the window frame. He started out mad and got worse. I didn’t expect him to ask me if I wanted a beer out of the fridge. But, wait. He bought a house ON A GOLF COURSE. It might be hit with a golf ball or several dozen.

It reminds me of knuckleheads that build homes on a flood plain. The area floods every other summer. They act surprised when they are hanging out on the roof and their car is floating down Main Street.

“Well, we got a good deal on the place. The real estate agent said we may experience a little moisture. We didn’t expect to be rescued from the roof by a helicopter and sleep at the Y for two months.”

It may be that the guy that owned the house I hit didn’t even know it was on a golf course. Maybe the agent told him that all those people hitting white balls and digging up dirt behind his house were federal workers testing soil conditions.

To make sure he wasn’t on a flood plain.

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Sports
Joe Ditzel

Surface of the Sun

I went golfing in Palm Springs on Sunday. If you live in Ohio or Idaho or Iowa and you want to play golf right now, hop a plane and go to Palm Springs. It is golf nirvana. In the Coachella Valley there are 104 golf courses with ANOTHER 100 opening in the next five years.

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Tech and Science
Joe Ditzel

Supergeek

I am a geek. Not a run of the mill geek- a computer geek. I love computers. I like to hang out in computer stores. If they put a coffee bar in CompUSA I WOULD NEVER LEAVE. I love to buy computer magazines with headlines like “Undocumented Windows Secrets Revealed!”

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