Work and Careers

Sculpting memories for intergalactic treaties

The trick with staying employed is to find an emerging industry and get in on the ground floor. Then ride that until everybody and their brother is trying it out. Bail and do it again. For example, here are several jobs most people don’t know about.

Memory Sculptor

A role that explores the intricate labyrinth of human memories. A Memory Sculptor would not just dive into people’s minds to help them remember but also to reshape, eradicate, or implant memories as needed. This is an occupation of high precision, profound psychological understanding, and the utmost ethical responsibility. The work involves using groundbreaking technology to access and navigate human memory. Considering the impact on human lives, this job’s financial compensation would be extraordinary, matching its ethical and skill requirements. Heck, this job will also teach you to find your car in the parking lot at Disney World — much better than walking around in the baking Florida sun trying to tell your three-year-old “We’re almost there, honey.”

Intergalactic Diplomat

Envision venturing to alien civilizations, building diplomatic relationships, negotiating interstellar treaties, or preventing cosmic wars. That’s the life of an Intergalactic Diplomat. This role requires stellar negotiation skills, cultural sensitivity, and the courage to plunge into the vast unknown. Being a conduit between Earth and extraterrestrial entities, these diplomats would enjoy generous remuneration for their services, considering the high stakes and risks involved. You can start training for this now. Call your brother who owes you thousands of dollars and negotiate a plan where he mows your lawn for the next three summers.

Quantum Time Auditor

This role delves into the mysteries of time itself. Quantum Time Auditors would review and correct anomalies in the time-space continuum, ensuring the seamless flow of time. The concept of auditing time revolves around quantum physics, and the job would demand exceptional knowledge of this domain. It would also require a rare mix of analytical skills, attention to detail, and adaptability. Given the fundamental nature of time to human existence, this job would pay handsomely. The best way to understand this is that Quantum Theory states you can actually be in two places at once, a valuable skill when you have to take your wife to dinner and at the same time be with your girlfriend for her friend’s wedding shower.

Crypto-Biologist

This job stretches the boundaries of biology as we know it. A Crypto-Biologist would study and catalog mythical creatures – dragons, unicorns, or the phoenix, perhaps. The work could even involve genetic engineering to bring these mythic beings to life. The role demands a scientific bent of mind, immense creativity, and daring innovation. Since such creatures would add invaluable diversity to our existing biosphere, the rewards for this role would be remarkable. Not only that, you could be a consulting expert for “Game of Thrones,” adding plot development advice like, “This is where the dragon burns down the entire village!”

Virtual Reality Architect

Imagine constructing not just buildings or cities, but entire universes. A Virtual Reality Architect designs immersive digital environments, where the laws of physics might not apply. They would need a profound understanding of digital technology, along with a boundless imagination and design prowess. Given the growing demand for immersive experiences in entertainment and education, this role would yield significant financial benefits. Just think, now you can build an virtual bowling alley for every citizen in Milwaukee. They’ll make you mayor and King.

Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.