Survey Says Americans Are Driving Longer than Ever to Get to Jobs They Hate

A recent survey revealed American’s commutes are longer than ever, up to an average of 26.9 minutes.

A Los Angeles commuter said, “Huh? A 26.9 minute commute? That’s just to go down the block.”

New York led the nation with the longest commute. One New Yorker said, “I love it in the winter the most. I put on Bon Jovi and set the cruise, and then recline the seat and take a nap.”

Washington, DC came in number two in the list of longest commutes. Trump blamed the deep state. “The deep state is driving slower so they are late to work and can’t enact my policies.”

San Francisco was next. One resident travels 1.5 hours to get to the city from the far-away East Bay. “Sure, it’s a long drive, but San Francisco is a great city. Of course, all I can see from my office window all day are workers in the Transamerica building staring at me staring at them. It’s a great town.”

San Bernardino, CA was next on the list. “Where is San Bernardino, CA?” said the rest of America.

Atlanta is on the list. “We don’t think of it as a commute,” said a long time resident. “It’s the south, so we look at it as a social occasion. The weather’s nice, we just chat with each other on the freeway as we sit for an hour or so, passing pitchers of sweet tea to each other with long paddles between cars.”

Boston was also in the top 10. “Listen,” said a lady from Southie. “In Boston, we don’t commute. We don’t just drive cars. What we do is enter into a demolition derby that just happens to be on the public freeway. May the best man or woman ram every car he or she has to get to work on time. May God Bless their soul,” she said, making the sign of the cross, “and go Patriots!”