Geek Love at Skybar
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The epicenter of trendy LA is the Sky Bar. Every somebody and wannabe in town has traversed the wooden floors of this stylish outdoor bar at the Mondrian Hotel on the Sunset Strip.
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Problem
Shafted
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I live on the fourth floor of a four story luxury apartment building. By “luxury”, I mean the hot water is hot for more than 3 minutes.
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Castaway
I had a good set at the Comedy Store. A comic friend sat down across the table.
“You know, you should do commercials”, he said.
“You mean, like a spokesperson, an executive type?” I pictured myself in a $2,000 suit holding up the latest cold medicine, stating in stentorian tones, “This medicine is so strong, you won’t feel your headache, or anything else, including your feet.”
“Well, more like a neighbor guy”, he said. “A guy that has a riding mower.”
“Oh.”
Actors tell me it is important to know yourself so you can predict how casting agents will see you for roles in commercials and movies and TV shows. If you look like a Hell’s Angel, you shouldn’t go out for accountant roles. My problem is I think I look one way, but other people see something else.
After my set at the Brewco later in the week, a guy approached me with his card out. He wore sunglasses even though it was well past 11 at night. He had a blue baseball cap which he wore backwards and pulled low.
“Very funny”, he opened. “I like the golf stuff. I’m Jerry Steinberg. Steinberg Productions. We do music videos and some commercials. I have a client who makes golf driving nets. The kind you can set up in your back yard and hit golf balls into. I need a golfer type to be in a commercial. Interested?”
Of course. I have a classic golf look – square jaw, piercing gaze and athletic body, like Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson. Combine that with my beautiful swing and winning personality, I knew I’d be perfect.
“Tell me more”, I said, as if directors were always approaching me after my sets.
“Well, I need a guy that is not in as good a shape as he could be. A guy who could be further in his career but plays too much golf. He’s obsessed by it. But, he’s not very good.”
“Oh.”
“He’s the kind of guy who buys all the latest golf gadgets and doo-dads but never gets any better. Eternally hopeful, eternally lousy.”
“OK.”
“He uses golf to distance himself. Instead of spending time building relationships, he works on his golf game. But his swing looks like he is chopping firewood.”
“Uh-huh.”
“But, he has money. And spends it on expensive stuff like our golf nets. Do you think you could play this character in our commercials? And infomercials?”
“Well, I don’t really know anybody like that.”
But a gig is a gig. I’ll study up on it.
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Headbanger
I pulled up to the stoplight at the corner of Westwood Ave. and Wilshire Blvd., just south of UCLA. As usual, I had the stereo cranked. A tricked out Honda Accord sitting a half-inch off the ground pulled up next to me, his stereo even louder. I looked over. The sixteen-year-old driver looked at my 4 door sedan, white shirt, tie and glasses. He sort of smiled like he was trying to keep from laughing.
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Celebrities in Los Angeles: Short Story
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Celebrities are common in Los Angeles. Angelenos are blasé around them. On the other hand, you can always tell people visiting from, say, Ohio. If they see a celebrity in a restaurant they speak in a I-think-I'm-whispering-but-I'm-really-yelling-so-loud-that-the-whole-restaurant-gets-quiet voice, "Hey, isn’t that Pee Wee Herman at the bar????!!!!"
Y’all Pass the Puck
I’ve moved a lot. I was born in Dayton, then moved to Columbus, Austin, Edmonton, Des Moines, Akron, Columbus (II), Cleveland, Columbus (III), Los Angeles, San Francisco, and then back to Los Angeles (II). My brother John, who remembers everything, claims we also lived in Iceland in the summer of 1968 and Indonesia during the monsoon season in 1975.
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Casino
I just returned from a golf weekend in Vegas. The casino construction is out of control. These are some of the new casinos going up:
* Akron, Akron- inspired by the success of New York, New York, this casino is in the shape of a giant bowling alley. The slot machine handles are bowling pins. All patrons must wear bowling shoes.
* Toothless Grin Casino- the sportsbook at this casino allows you to bet on the winners of fights that break out during Hockey Night in Canada.
* The Liberace Casino- shaped like a giant piano, you can ride elevators to the revolving restaurant at the top of the candelabra.
* The Heartbreak Hotel Casino- a 20 story casino shaped like Elvis’ head. Every hour a plane load of Flying Elvis’ drop on to the front lawn.
* The Dead Pool Casino- specializes in taking bets on when celebrities will drop dead.
* The Wedding Chapel Casino- Marriage is a gamble. So why not get married right in a casino? Features a sports book where guests can take odds on the success of your union.
* The E-Trade Casino- not for the faint of heart. All gaming is done on-line. Instead of gambling on old line games like Blackjack, these new games have names like “Amazon” and “E-Bay”.
* The Dennis Rodman Casino- the roof of this casino changes colors to exactly match The Worm’s current hair color.
* The Former Child Star Casino- the main show features Dana Plato, Tina Yothers and Brandon Cruz singing a medley of theme songs form Different Strokes, Family Ties and The Courthip of Eddie’s Father.
* The Victoria’s Secret Casino- all the dealers wear Victoria’s Secret Catalog items. Except the guys- they wear Harry Conick masks.
* The Catholic Casino- the chips are different colored hosts. Do they serve alcohol? Is the Pope Catholic?
* The My Way Casino- a tribute to Vegas of the 60’s, the main floor show features animatronic characters that recreate the magic of the Rat Pack. In the casino, animatronic mobsters take card cheats into the desert where they are whacked.
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Take My Money…Please
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I was in an office supply store to buy a Quicken upgrade. I passed the digital (still) camera display. While I’ve wanted to get a digital camera for a while, the average prices are too rich for me.
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The Long Ball
I am an average golfer. In fact, the average men’s handicap is 16. So is mine. Nothing stands out about my game. But, for an old guy, I can smash the ball.
Unfortunately, I haven’t hit a fairway since 1968.
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On Your Left!
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Vivian wanted to go to the beach. I didn’t. The problem is I burn easily. I got burned last week when I stood in front of the refrigerator light too long. I started peeling so bad I look like a character in Mission Impossible pulling off his fake face.
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EWally.com
Amazon.com was originally a virtual bookstore. Then they added music and videos. Now they have added gifts, e-cards, and on-line auctions. Plans call for adding pets and more. Here is a rundown on products that will be available soon:
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Porcelain Springs
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"Hey, don’t drink that," my friend said as I filled a glass from the kitchen tap. "Our water is disgusting. Here, you can have this," she said as she handed me a bottle of Evian from the fridge.
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Mr. Fix It
I don't fix things. My dad did. He was born in the depression. They had to make things last. He didn't call for a fix it guy. He fixed it himself. He would take the toaster out in the garage and take it apart. He started out happy and whistling. Two hours later he was banging and yelling at the toaster, "What's wrong with you, you damn toaster??!!" We knew then to high-tail it for the hockey rink or the mall.
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No One Knows
The CIA bought some new laptop computers recently. They decided to sell the old ones to the general public. Unfortunately, they forgot to erase the hard drives. Lots of classified information ended up in the hands of regular Joes. I am happy to report that I was one of the Joes. After reading hundreds of secret CIA documents, I can answer these burning questions:
If Bill Clinton insists on going outside his marriage, and since he is the President of the United States, why doesn’t he date supermodels?
Of course, Clinton loves McDonalds but he can’t get any supermodels to join him in a Value Meal. Once he did convince Elle McPherson to go into a Washington McDonalds. When she brought her own salad dressing out of her purse, Clinton left her sitting on a Hamburglar table in the Playland. Clinton likes girls that aren’t afraid to eat.
What’s the deal with Janet Reno?
No one knows.
How come the government uses animals as spokespeople?
The first animal spokesperson was Smokey Bear. Smokey Bear was such a hit it wasn’t long before we had Woodsy Owl and McGruff the Crime Dog. Things were fine until McGruff held out for a $105 million, 7 year contract with a bonus based on how low crime statistics are at the end of each year. Soon Smokey had a contract with Nike who added their swoosh to the front of his hat.
How did a professional wrestler become the governor of a state?
Politics is show business. We’ve had actors become presidents. It is part of our history. CIA documents show that well-known comedian Dan Quayle plans a run for President in 2000.
Why didn’t the government see the year 2000 problem coming?
Actually, they did. The Congress asked the CIA to coordinate handling “the year 2000 problem”. However, the CIA director thought that meant trying to keep Dan Quayle from running for President in 2000.
What’s the deal with Marilyn Manson?
No one knows.
Why is Hillary Clinton considering running for the Senate in New York when she never lived there?
Hillary is steal steaming about Monica Lewinsky and has plans to get back at Bill by having an affair in her office with Jerry Springer.
Why does the government use orange cones on roadways?
Last winter in Washington they tested substitutes for the orange cone. They tried the idea of using 2 foot high candy canes to designate freeway construction areas. However, Santa confused the beltway in Washington as a landing strip and crashed into a semi truck full of “Hillary Now!” bumper stickers.
Why doesn’t the government have stricter driving test for older drivers?
Frankly, I’m not worried about older drivers. I’m worried about the 16 year old driving 200 miles an hour. In the parking lot. I’ve never feared for my life because a 75 year old lady cut me off in a rusted out Camaro while she cranked the new Megadeath CD.
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