EWally.com

Amazon.com was originally a virtual bookstore. Then they added music and videos. Now they have added gifts, e-cards, and on-line auctions. Plans call for adding pets and more. Here is a rundown on products that will be available soon:

Eyeglasses

You press your nose against your monitor and stare into the computer screen. Amazon doctors will perform an eye exam. This will be your first eye exam where you aren’t knocked unconscious by the doctor’s breath.

VCR Tuning

You will hook up your VCR to the internet and Amazon will set the clock to keep it from flashing 12:00.

Driver Revenge

Car makers plan to provide internet access right in a car’s computer. Amazon will take advantage of this by offering driver “revenge”. If a guy cuts you off, you e-mail Amazon the offender’s license plate number. After that driver gets 10 bad e-mail reports, Amazon will access their car’s computer and prevent it from running.

Wiper Blades

Amazon is entering the highly competitive replacement wiper blade market. The unique product feature is that their wiper blades will actually fit your car.

Toe Nail Clipping

You stick the end of your toe in your floppy drive and Amazon pedicurists will trim your toenails.

Wine

Amazon has worked with different wine producers to develop wines made for unique occasions. For the big bowling league banquet they will offer a special edition of Thunderbird called Thunderbird “300 Game”.

Dating

Rather than selling everyday software, Amazon is coming out with software you can really use. Their first product is dating software that estimates the chances someone will agree to go out with you. I plugged in my information and the details on a girl I wanted to ask out. The computer printed a report for me which read “This girl will go out with you when the Chicago Cubs win the World Series.”

Maid Service

Rather than clean your house, the Amazon maids will clean your computer area. They will throw out old floppies, put away the stack of pictures you said you would scan into the computer back in June 1998, and vacuum the keyboard for lint and pizza crumbs.

Breakfast

The Amazon breakfast provides round waffles that come out of the CD ROM drive with syrup that comes out of the floppy drive. Also, you can enjoy coffee: decaf from the Ethernet port and regular from the IEEE interface.

Individual IPOs

We can all offer our own IPO. Let’s say you are 13-year-old named Wally and you need a new bike. You could get a paper route and build up your business and save the money. What, are you in the 1950’s?

Now you can get financed by offering shares in your own IPO. You will start E-Wally.com, a web-page dedicated to all things Wally. When investors ask what kind of return they can expect for their money, just tell them with a straight face that you expect to lose money for YEARS.

You’ll raise millions.