Whataburger is For Sale? Here’s How to To Stop It
Warning: This news is terrifying.
Whataburger is looking for investors.
Is it for sale? What if they change the menu? What is haaaaapppeeninnng?
Texans are on the edge of their seat with the news that Whatburger is seeking investors to fund expansion. You know what happens when you let these pesky investor-types in. The next thing you know, they are trying to change things.
At first, they suggest a small change like how the fryers should be arranged in the kitchen. Over time, they propose changes to the menu itself. Forget it.
Sit down, investors from other states. You don’t know nothing about no delicious burger-making!
And from there, the company might actually consider SELLING THE CHAIN ITSELF. What? Say it ain’t so, Dobson family.
Selling Whataburger should be stopped by the state as an affront to all things that are great about Texas.
Here’s what Texas should do: Turn Whataburger into the hamburger version of the Green Bay Packers.
What? Let patrons throw hamburgers around the dining room like footballs? Throw fries threw the window at the drive-through? No, although that would be a lot of fun: “OK, I want you to go long around the far tables by the soda machine. Button hook and I’ll hit you in the gizzard with my Whataburger Patty Melt!”
No, what I mean is Texas should BUY Whataburger and turn the company into a public trust like the Green Bay Packers. The Packers became a publicly-owned, non-profit corporation in 1923. They currently have over 350,000 stockholders who own over 5 million shares of stock.
One of the rules of my version of a new Whataburger is that each share must be owned by a Texan. Not a fake Texan who just moved from Wisconsin to get out of the cold. A real life, born and bred Texan who was raised on Whataburgers, whose parents and grandparents and great grand parents were all raised on Whataburgers.
Next, build a new headquarters in a new town called Whataburger, Texas. The town features the new HQ, new stores selling nothing but Whataburger merch, and a new amusement park called Whataburgerland.
At Whataburgerland, employees are trained to answer every patron comment with the company slogan, “Just Like You Like It.” And the most popular ride is called the Cheddar Scream Machine, a death-defying ride around the inside of a giant Chop House Cheddar Burger.
This plan will keep Whataburger in the hands of Texans, the people who made it what it is today. It’s rare that a state and a company love and depend on each other so much–my plan will keep Whataburger in the heart of every Texan. Figuratively and literally.
