Loria Claims $140+ Million Loss on Billion Dollar Sale of Marlins

Former Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria previously agreed if the team was sold within ten years of his purchase of the team in 2008, the city of Miami and Miami/Dade county would receive five percent of the profits. Derek Jeter bought the team within that time frame, so the city and county get their cut, right?

Uh, no.

Loria’s attorneys say there was no profit on the $1.2 billion sale of the team.

Exsqueeze me?

They say they actually lost over $140 million due to underlying debt, deductions and taxes tied to the deal.

Right.

For example, he claimed a $30 million deduction for advisers who helped structure the sale. Other deductions he is rumored to have claimed include:

—$10,000 bath towels with the team logo on them.

—$19,000,000 in Florida lottery tickets, saying he had a better chance of hitting lotto than a Marlins win.

—$4,000,000 to build accommodations for the 1,000 paparazzi following Jeter around every day.

—$10,000,000 to consultants who proposed a merger with the Cleveland Browns (yes, the Browns) and moving the combined team to London, England.

—$25,000,000 for construction of a 15-level skybox for his personal use. Locals say he likes to sit on the top level and drops eggs on fans below.

Those are just rumors, so I don’t know. But come on.

County Tells Florida Man To Keep BBQ Smoke From Drifting into Neighbor’s Yard

County officials in Florida ordered a man to keep the smell of barbecue from leaving his property.

When a neighbor lady first complained, the police came out and sided with the barbecue man.

Let’s hear it for the police in Florida!

But the lady complained 15 more times until he was cited by county officials.

See, she felt the barbecue smell was a nuisance and would diminish her home value.

Bring down her home value?

The smell of barbecue will RAISE your home value.

The smell of good BBQ should be in every real estate ad:

“Charming starter home in up and coming area. Hardwood floors, lots of light from newer windows. Big kitchen and pantry. Enjoy summer nights in fenced-in yard while neighbor prepares Texas Pulled Pork and Memphis-Style Hickory Smoked Beef and Pork Ribs.”

“Three-bedroom colonial with grand entranceway. Great schools. Fully renovated kitchen and baths. Whole family will enjoy smell of neighbor slow cooking Mexican Street Corn with Lime Coconut drizzled on top, Cajun Deviled Eggs and Baked Sweet Potato Fries with Spicy Apricot dipping sauce.”

“This is the one! French Eclectic home designed by famed architects Upper and Crust in the gated community of Nose-in-the-Air. Elegant curving staircase winds above hardwood floors. Private back deck enhanced with the aroma of neighbor cooking Bacon Bourbon Barbecue Chicken Kebabs and Spice-Rubbed, Texas-Style Brisket on Texas Toast.”

They should use barbecue on the House Hunter’s TV show where prospective home buying couples look at three different homes and choose one.

“Welcome back to House Hunters. Felipe and Jill have a growing family and want to move out of their cramped apartment into their first home.

“The first house they looked at, Felipe liked the artisan tiles in the living room, while Jill liked the smell of Grilled Vegetable Kebabs Rubbed with Chile coming over from the neighbor’s yard.

“The second house, Jill liked the big back yard where the kids could play, and Felipe enjoyed the aroma of the neighbor cooking South of the Border Mac & Cheese, Sweet Vinegar Slaw, and Malty Maple Cornbread dripping in butter.

“But, at the end of the day, they decided on the third house. It was a little outside their budget, but Jill fell in love with the grand entranceway, Felipe loved the exposed concrete floors in the out-building he plans to turn into a workshop and they both loved the smells coming over the fence — Grilled Jalapeño Corn on the Cob, Honest Irving’s Root Beer Baked Beans, Stuffed Zucchini, Squash and Corn Casserole, and Praise the Lord Potato Salad.”

Home prices go down?

BBQ smells make your home value go UP.

7 Outrageously Expensive Florida Hotels You Can Never Ever Ever Afford

Forget it. You’ll never afford these super expensive luxury hotels.

Hotel Bling Bling – West Palm Beach

Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

 

 

Hotel Yapper – Miami

Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

 

 

 The Hotel Swiss Bank Account – Coral Gables

Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

 

 

Trust Fund Hotel – Key West

Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

 

 

Hotel Better Than You – St. Augustine

Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

 

 

Beacon Stinkin’ Rich Hotel – Ft. Lauderdale

Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

 

 

Moneybags House – Panama City

Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

 

3 Stunning Facts About the Jacksonville Jaguars

Along with the Carolina Panthers, The Jacksonville Jaguars joined the NFL as an expansion team in 1995. A lot was going on in 1995. That was the year the longest sausage ever made was revealed in Kitchener, Ontario. At almost 29 miles long, the sausage was soon seen in Los Angeles taking meetings to discuss various movie projects. You know, “movie projects.”

Jacksonville has always been a great football town, and it’s not surprising they had several pro teams before the Jaguars:

–The Jacksonville Sharks/Express in the World Football League.

–The Jacksonville Firebirds of the American Football Association.

–The Jacksonville Bulls in the United States Football League.

The Sharks were part of the ill-fated World Football League in 1974. The team did not last long and came back to the city the following year as the Jacksonville Express. They folded again and returned the following year, combining the two previous team names, as the Jacksonville Sharks Express. Their logo was a shark driving a runaway train locomotive over the goal line.

Again, they folded, but their ludicrous name and team logo became the inspiration for the Hollywood cult movie hits “Sharknado” and “Sharknado 2.” You may be asking what was happened in Sharknado 2 that you couldn’t cover in the original Sharknado. “With that kind of logical thinking, you will never make it Hollywood,” said a famous director. “Dumb it down, dumb it down.”

Jacksonville is the perfect place for a team because the weather is halfway decent all year round. The average temperature in summer is 82, and the record high of 104 was set in 1879. It was so hot, local alligators were seen wearing flip flops to keep their feet off the hot ashphalt. “I know what you are thinking. Alligators wearing flip flops? What a croc!”