7 Things You Can’t Do Anymore in Cleveland

Sure, you used to be able to do this stuff in Cleveland. But those days are over, cowboy. Deal with it.

Surfing Lake Erie

No more getting up at the crack of dawn to ride the 20 foot curls out on Lake Erie. Progress and pollution killed that buzz.

Hang Gliding From The Terminal Tower

Ask your parents. They did it all the time. The city stopped hang gliding from tall buildings in Cleveland around 1984.

Walking Through Drew Carey’s Childhood Home Uninvited

Lots of Clevelanders remember piling into the family station wagon and driving over to Drew Carey’s childhood home. No matter the time of day or night, you could walk through and imagine what it would be like to live there.

The Downtown Ferris Wheel

In 1989, the city dismantled the famous 2000-foot tall Cleveland Rocks Ferris Wheel. Three families were discovered living in several of the cars.

Pickled Ed’s Dart Bar

How many nights did you find yourself slinging darts at Pickled Ed’s at closing time? Forget it. Pickled Ed passed in 2005, and the family sold the bar the next year.

Cleveland Fly Swatter Museum

After church, you’d take a lazy Sunday drive to the Cleveland Fly Swatter Museum and look at all the great swatters from the 1890s through the 1930s.

Donnelly’s Disco and Scar Bar

Saturday nights in the 70s meant the whole gang would head to Donnelly’s Disco to line dance and compare scars. Those good times are over.

The Ultimate Solution to Out-of-Control Spending On Political Advertising

We spend way too much on political advertising.

In 2012, Ohio had the third most political ad spending at $150 million, behind Florida with $173 million and Virginia with $151 million.

Nationally in 2012, Barack Obama spent $404 million total and Mitt Romney spent $492 million. Romney spent $88 million more than his opponent and he still lost. How does one guy spend $492 million and still lose. I mean, if you are the Washington Redskins, those amounts make sense. They spend a fortune and still suck.

That’s just the presidential race. More than $6 billion was spent on all media by politicians and issues in 2012. And government is still grid-locked. Our current government is more locked up than when your parents grounded you for three months in high school because they found 2 pounds of weed in your winter coat pocket. Right? Am I right? Just me? OK, just me.

Most of that was spot and network television. TV political ads are the worst possible ads. It’s a bunch of millionaires pretending to be regular folks. If they are just going to slag each other, at least make it entertaining. I’d like to see a political ad in the form of slam poetry:

The Harvard Boy Who Went to Washington

I was only 15 when I went to private school
Try as I might, I was labeled uncool
Sure my family was rich and didn’t pay any tax
But my acne made me look like I was attacked by an ax

At Harvard on the mean streets of Cambridge town
I struggled mightily to get that Harvard gown
It took me 5 years to do what most do in four
Cause I spent most of my time partying hardcore

But now this day I am asking for your vote
Please forget I am wealthy and went to Choate
In return I’ll say anything you want to hear
Heck, I’ll even promise free pizza and beer

And when my family moves in to 1600 Pennsylvania
There will be 5 or 6 months of good will mania
Because I promised to overcome partisan political stalls
But you’ll soon realize I can affect no change at all.

It’s a waste of money.

Not to mention every political ad is the same. The candidate tries to show this picture of the perfect spouse, perfect family and a life dedicated to public service. The reality is their spouse secretly hates them, their kids watch TV all day and they only went into public service to avoid going into the family funeral home business. “Where do you want us to put this body?” “Just set in the front hall. I’ll get to it after Game of Thrones.”

Here’s the thing: Iowa may determine the course of the primaries at the beginning of the election, but the vote in Ohio is always close. Razor thin — down to 10 votes either way, or 5 votes, even 1 vote! A single vote can determine the election. And it’s always the same one guy in a small steel town in Northeast Ohio. A really small town.

Look, I know how we can save billions of dollars on the election and eliminate a ton of annoying, pedantic, nasty, creepy horrifying political advertising. Just find that guy, that one independent voter who can tilt the state either way, and in turn the whole election and the future of the country.

Find THAT guy and bribe him from here to kingdom come.

Let’s say the Democrats drive over to his trailer park, knock on the rusted door and say, “Jeb what do you want?” What can we do for you to make you feel good about voting for the Democrats in 2016. What does Jeb really want?

“You know what I really want?” he’ll say. “I want the gol’ dang Cleveland Browns to win the gol’ dang Super Bowl fer once in my gol’ dang life. That’s what I want. That’s what I really want.”

And you know what you do if you want to capture the White House for your party?

You buy the gol’ dang Cleveland Browns.

You buy the team, clear out whoever is in there now, and install the brightest football minds ever assembled. You erase the history of the team, and you lead them to a winning season, winning championship series and a winning gol dang Super Bowl!

And then you deliver a Super Bowl ring to Jeb, and you get his vote.

Yes, it cost $1 billion to buy the team.

But you were going to spend $3 billion in dumb political attack ads, so you just saved $2 billion, which, because you are politicians, you’ll waste on some government program to study the mating habits of the endangered Bug-Eyed Poker-Playing Himalayan Sloth.

Woman Found In House Sobbing and Screaming “Winter Will Never End!”

2576211546_8ec033670c_o----1888 Keene Public Library - winter snow storm blizzard
Courtesy Keene Public Library via Flickr Commons

 

An Ohio woman in Cleveland’s “Snow Belt” east of town was arrested today after police found her shooting a gun out of a front window at nearby snowbanks, crying and screeching over and over, “Winter will never end! Winter will never end!” She was placed on a protective hold in a local mental facility until her trial comes up in June.

“Honestly, we could have scheduled the trial in March,” the judge said. “But we didn’t want to take the chance she would see snow and freak out.”

“Late February in Ohio has the highest incidence of winter-related breakdowns than any other time,” said the police chief. “We get more calls in those two weeks than the rest of the year. People start to snap due to the constant snowfall, frigid temperatures and endless days of grey, overcast skies. That and they live in Cleveland.”

Cleveland Man Won’t Shovel Sidewalks

House in Snow During Winter - Credit Keene Public Library
Credit: Keene Public Library

A man in Cleveland, Ohio won’t refuses to shovel the sidewalks in front of his house despite record snowfall during a bitter winter.

“I’m just renting here,” John Notgoingtoshovelson explained. “Why should I shovel the walks when the owner should do it.”

During our interview, passers-by could be seen slipping and falling as they tried to negotiate the treacherous sidewalk. One elderly lady tried to drag her shopping cart laden with groceries through the muck. It spilled when it turned over.

“I don’t care about those people,” he said. “They should contact the owner. If people want me to clean the snow off the sidewalks, they can pay me.”