5 women who dumped me faster than divorce follows a Hollywood marriage

Many years ago as a young man I dated these ladies. Often we discussed out futures together. Until they jumped ship. I don’t blame them.

Twinklie left me because I forget to take her pet firefly for a “walk.”

Cecilia left me when she realized she could get out of her accountant job and become an extra on Lord of the Rings sequels.

Lanalai left me when I forgot to get the address of her specific tree in the forest and every letter I sent her went to a lonely woodchuck down the way.

Kaila and I were in love but it crash-landed when she caught me talking to a 25-foot tall forest fairie from the Giant Redwood forest.

Flitter was a great girlfriend until she got mad I left her spell book on the back of the Uber winged falcon I took to her tree.

Kenila and I often discussed marriage until she found me snorting pixie dust I acquired from one of her rivals.