Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Tech and Science
Joe Ditzel

How To Cool Down A Laptop Computer Before It Catches on Fire

Have you ever worked on your laptop laying on the couch with it resting on your stomach? Slowly you realize it is burning a hole in your body.

 

1. Get a meat thermometer that will monitor the temperature. Put it in the DVD drive. 

 

2. Shut down thirty or forty of the seventy-three windows you have open.

 

3. Buy a small cooling fan on the table next to the couch and point it at the laptop.

 

4. If it is still hot buy a box fan and point it at the laptop.

 

5. If the laptop still feels hot get a tower fan and set it up to blow directly on the monitor. Leave all the fans blowing at once.

 

6. You may still need cooling power. Knock a hole in the wall and install a fan used by car-makers to test wind dynamics on new models. Run the giant cord down the block and tap into the city power grid. It will start up slow but within 15 minutes your skin will be was pushed back against your face and papers will be flying all over the room. Crack a window to release some pressure.

 

 

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TV
Joe Ditzel

How To Become A Contestant on “Dancing With The Stars”

1.  Pick a celebrity that has not been on "Dancing With The Stars."

 

2. Visit the best costume shop in your town. You may need to travel to a bigger city– it should be at least the size of Akron or Topeka. Pick out masks and outfits that allow you to pass as the celebrity.

 

3. Contact the program and tell them you are ready to be on the show. You have to be a big enough star that they will accept right away– consider that in your strategy.

 

4. Call your mom and tell her you are going to be on "Dancing With the Stars" but you will be appearing as Pink.

 

5. Halfway through the season fake a fight with your dance partner. Pretend that the pressure is getting to you. Storm out of a practice session. Later claim that the "blow-up" made you a better team. 

 

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Humor Column
Joe Ditzel

How To Get a $40,000 Car For $500 on Craigslist

1. Go to the Free stuff section of Craigslist. Search in your area for the following items- wheels, windows, car seats, tires, steering wheel, engine, suspension, frame and body, lights and electrical system.

 

2. Assemble the various free items into a car. You may need a big hammer to bang together some of the parts that almost fit but not quite.

 

3. Go to the gas station and buy cans of oil and a few gallons of gas. Go to the DMV and get license plates. The wait in line will be longer than it took you to find all the parts.

 

4. Pour the oil in engine and the gas in the tank. Reach under the steering wheel and find two wires and touch them together to start the engine. If you cannot find the wires consult every movie in the last 50 years where the hero steals a car he needs to escape to save his family.

 

5. Drive around in your combo Chevy/Ford/Fiat/Kia/Hyundai/Pontiac/Honda/Buick/Honda/Land Rover supercar.

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Joe
Joe Ditzel

Comedian – Southern California

Corporate Entertainment- Joe Ditzel- Southern California Comedian

Joe Ditzel is perfect comedy entertainment for golf your Southern California outing, banquet or convention. As the author of "Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems" Joe will keep your group laughing. Call 213-804-0105 or email [email protected] for booking availability.

Joe has performed for thousands of audiences and looks forward to performing for your Southern California group.

Meet Joe Ditzel

Reviews and Testimonials

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Music
Joe Ditzel

How To Become A Rock Superstar After Age 50

Rock superstardom is just a few steps away for you- even after age 50. We do recommend, however that you not wait until 70 to begin the steps.

 

1. Musical ability is not a pre-requisite but you do need a cool band name. If you are having trouble just combine an animal with a crazy emotion like 'Wolverine Anger.'

 

2. As the lead singer you also need a cool name. Your best bet is to find a single word name: "Ipecac" or "Subscription" are probably good ones.

 

3. You must practice your rock star moves with a microphone. This can be done in your living room or the back yard.

 

4. You need an international hit to break your band. You do not need to write a new song. Just combine beats from established hits and riffs from any old Yardbirds album. If you are sued you can say you are waiting on Medicare approval for your St. John's Wort and forgot that stealing was illegal.

 

5. Damaging hotel rooms is passѐ. You must damage a whole hotel. Pick a hotel in Eastern Europe and leave the country before you are caught.

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Relationships and Dating
Joe Ditzel

How To Date A Supermodel From Paris

You've dated all the girls in your school and even the girl that serves hot dogs at the Friday hockey games. It is time for you to date a supermodel from Paris.

 

1. Your current looks are most likely not good enough for a supermodel. Make an appointment for full-body plastic surgery. 

 

2. You must learn French. Play language tapes while you sleep.

 

3. Travel to Paris.

 

4. Attend a fashion show and find a supermodel that you like. Approach her with this ice breaker: "Excusemoi, accepte-vous my body odor?"  She may respond violently.

 

5. Make a new appointment for full-body plastic surgery to repair the damage she has inflicted upon you.

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Sports
Joe Ditzel

How To Shoot A Golf Score of 59 Within One Week

Many golfers dream of shooting a life-time low score of 89, 79 and even 69. Here are 5 steps to go even lower- 59 for 18 holes of golf.

 

1. You will need to drive the ball regularly at least 395.5 yards. This is achieved by a much longer swing arc than your current swing. To achieve this you must buy (or borrow) some circus stilts and wrap them to your legs with duct tape.

 

2. Put your golf shoes on the end of the stilts for good stability and traction.

 

3. Attach a sturdy bungy cord to the end of your driver. This will allow you to reach the ball from the stilts.

 

4. Swing the club back with the bungy cord in a huge power arc. At the top of the backswing, "step into the shot" much like a baseball player, turn your hips and whip the bungy cord/club as hard as you can.

 

5. Keep your head down and follow through. The club will be travelling over 700 mph. When it comes through the ball there is a strong possibility it will come around and hit you in the head. For this reason you should wear a motorcycle helmet or NFL quality football helmet when using this method.  A Chicago Bears helmet would be good because it is used to being abused. Add a world-class short game and putting skills and you will shoot 59 this week or within 10 days give or take.

 

 

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Crazy People
Joe Ditzel

Crazy People at the Store: Oblivious-Yelling-Post-Office Lady

 You are waiting in line with eight other people at the post office. Four people at the windows all seem to sending packages to Sri Lanka or Madagascar. A lady walks in, sees the line, and decides she cannot wait to get an answer to her question. She stands at the back of the waiting area, waving frantically, trying to get the attention of any of the postal employees hehind the bulletproof glass.

"Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!  I need a passport right away! Excuse me!"

"Ma'am!" one of the employees yells back. "Passports take four to six weeks! Please wait in line."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" she yells and storms out.

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