Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Crazy Golfers: Mr. Instructor
Mr. Instructor offers golf tips without anyone asking for them. He has every golf book, video and gadget and is
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Crazy Golfers: Exact Yardage Guy
Exact Yardage Guy needs to know the precise yardage at all times. “Is the pin at the front of the
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Crazy Golfers: Mr. Give-Me-a-Six
On a par 4 you watch this golfer hit two shots OB. Later he takes three shots to get out
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Crazy Golfers: Mr. “Did You See My Ball?”
He can’t see past his nose or he keeps his head down so long he never gets a bead on
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Crazy Golfers: Mr. Can’t-Decide-Where-to-Tee-the-Ball
He leans over and tees up his ball. He stands behind the ball to start his pre-shot routine. Not satisfied
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Crazy Drivers: Mr. I’m-Creating-My-Own-Left-Turn-Lane
You are behind this driver when they realize they should have moved into the left turn lane to turn left
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Crazy Drivers: I’m-Never-Moving-Over Guy
You start to merge on the freeway. I’m-Never-Moving-Over Guy is blocking your way. He could easily move over one lane
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Crazy Drivers: Mr. Eternal Turn
He signals his turn well in advance. You slow behind him. He starts the turn. He’s turning. Turning. Still turning.
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Tough Game
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally said, “And how do I smell from here?”
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God Save
Three men, an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The American jumped off and shouted, ”God save America!”
The English man jumped off and shouted, ”God Save The Queen!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ”God save the person who I land on!”
Bowling Ball Cart
A young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.
“Hey Chris,” the snack bar employee said. “Forget your troubles for a bit. It’s late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I’ll help you with that cart after you eat.”
“That’s mighty nice of you, but Pa won’t like that,” Chris replied.
“Aw, come on, take a break for a bit,” the man at the snack bar insisted.
“Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed. “But Pa won’t like it.”
After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden french fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. “I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset.”
“Nonsense,” the cook said. “Where is your pa anyway”?
“Under the cart.”
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First Time
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits — yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”
The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
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