Joe Ditzel

I have a unique approach to New Year’s resolutions. I start them on January 26.

You might have made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking. While you are beating yourself up for sneaking a cigarette at the bowling league banquet, I am basking in the self confidence that comes with knowing I haven’t even started any resolutions yet.

I don’t make 15 resolutions. I make one. It’s all I can handle. I’m like a guy with one tooth that is perfect. It’s not hard to maintain. Many people load up with too many resolutions: lose weight, eat better, save money, blah, blah, blah.

My resolution is to lose weight. So today I re-started the exercise program I abandoned late last year- around February 15th. First I stretched thoroughly. I raised my left leg behind me and pulled on my foot for half a second. Then I did that with my other leg.

Fully stretched out, I hit the street in front of my apartment at a brisk clip. I ran and ran and ran and ran. Half a block later, every muscle in my body ached. I brought it down to a jog. A slow jog. Well, more like a walk. OK, I was walking. But I was swinging my arms back and forth vigorously. I knew I was getting a good work out by walking and swinging my arms because I checked my pulse and it was around 600 beats a minute.

As I rounded the corner of Wilshire and Hauser I saw 15 police cars in front of an apartment building. A police helicopter hovered overhead, it’s huge spotlight flooding the street. The LAPD was on the hunt- like an episode of Cops.

Then again, every night in LA is an episode of Cops. I fall asleep to the sound of the LAPD helicopter night after night. Some people need to turn on a fan to fall asleep. I need the soothing whap-whap-whap of a police helicopter.

Sometimes I really need to get some sleep- I have a big day the next day- but I don’t hear the chopper outside. A slow night. I call the LAPD and pretend a perp is on the run, "Some dude just stole a pie off a window-sill! Send the helicopter!"

They’ll hover over my apartment until I fall asleep. They know it is a fake call but send the chopper anyway. They know me- I’m a good customer. I spend $23,000 in parking tickets every year.

It’s the least they can do.