Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
"Hey, don’t drink that," my friend said as I filled a glass from the kitchen tap. "Our water is disgusting. Here, you can have this," she said as she handed me a bottle of Evian from the fridge.
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I don't fix things. My dad did. He was born in the depression. They had to make things last. He didn't call for a fix it guy. He fixed it himself. He would take the toaster out in the garage and take it apart. He started out happy and whistling. Two hours later he was banging and yelling at the toaster, "What's wrong with you, you damn toaster??!!" We knew then to high-tail it for the hockey rink or the mall.
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I'm frustrated.com.
I came up with an idea for a new e-business. Once I had the idea I knew the most important thing would be:
1. Get a cool dot-com name.
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The CIA bought some new laptop computers recently. They decided to sell the old ones to the general public. Unfortunately, they forgot to erase the hard drives. Lots of classified information ended up in the hands of regular Joes. I am happy to report that I was one of the Joes. After reading hundreds of secret CIA documents, I can answer these burning questions:
If Bill Clinton insists on going outside his marriage, and since he is the President of the United States, why doesn’t he date supermodels?
Of course, Clinton loves McDonalds but he can’t get any supermodels to join him in a Value Meal. Once he did convince Elle McPherson to go into a Washington McDonalds. When she brought her own salad dressing out of her purse, Clinton left her sitting on a Hamburglar table in the Playland. Clinton likes girls that aren’t afraid to eat.
What’s the deal with Janet Reno?
No one knows.
How come the government uses animals as spokespeople?
The first animal spokesperson was Smokey Bear. Smokey Bear was such a hit it wasn’t long before we had Woodsy Owl and McGruff the Crime Dog. Things were fine until McGruff held out for a $105 million, 7 year contract with a bonus based on how low crime statistics are at the end of each year. Soon Smokey had a contract with Nike who added their swoosh to the front of his hat.
How did a professional wrestler become the governor of a state?
Politics is show business. We’ve had actors become presidents. It is part of our history. CIA documents show that well-known comedian Dan Quayle plans a run for President in 2000.
Why didn’t the government see the year 2000 problem coming?
Actually, they did. The Congress asked the CIA to coordinate handling “the year 2000 problem”. However, the CIA director thought that meant trying to keep Dan Quayle from running for President in 2000.
What’s the deal with Marilyn Manson?
No one knows.
Why is Hillary Clinton considering running for the Senate in New York when she never lived there?
Hillary is steal steaming about Monica Lewinsky and has plans to get back at Bill by having an affair in her office with Jerry Springer.
Why does the government use orange cones on roadways?
Last winter in Washington they tested substitutes for the orange cone. They tried the idea of using 2 foot high candy canes to designate freeway construction areas. However, Santa confused the beltway in Washington as a landing strip and crashed into a semi truck full of “Hillary Now!” bumper stickers.
Why doesn’t the government have stricter driving test for older drivers?
Frankly, I’m not worried about older drivers. I’m worried about the 16 year old driving 200 miles an hour. In the parking lot. I’ve never feared for my life because a 75 year old lady cut me off in a rusted out Camaro while she cranked the new Megadeath CD.
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I heard a car commercial on the radio the other day that sounded a little unbelievable:
“The Violator is available for a limited time for only $99/ month!”
Then at the end of the commercial a guy started talking real fast:
“$99 month is a 6 month lease only on approved credit. Capital reduction fee of $15,000. Does not include car doors, rear bumper or left side tires.”
He negated everything about the commercial by putting a fast-talking disclaimer afterwards! Wouldn’t that be great if you could do that in your real life?
Claim: I am going to start running every day.
Fast Talking Disclaimer: Running every day does include not religious holidays, Thanksgiving, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, days I am too tired to run, days I am not too tired to run but a Seinfeld episode comes on that I haven’t seen, Mondays, Fridays, and any other days ending in ‘y’.
Claim: I am going to stop smoking.
Fast Talking Disclaimer: Stopping smoking does not include borrowing other people’s cigarettes, smoking while drinking, smoking to help celebrate a victory, smoking to overcome a disappointment, smoking to overcome nervousness, smoking while calm, or any smoking before 12 noon.
The fast talking disclaimer could be used by many people. Like stockbrokers:
Claim: This one is a winner. I say we go all in.
Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of this stock being a “winner” may be influenced by the fact that we do not have any idea what we are talking about, by the sudden arrest and conviction of firm partners for insider trading, or by sudden fluctuations in the recommended stock including sudden and total devaluation.
Or TV weather people:
Claim: It will be sunny all day today.
Fast Talking Disclaimer: Predictions of sunny weather do not include the interruption of sunshine in whole or in part by any or all of the following: clouds, rain, thunderstorms, lightning, hail, fog, sleet, snow, El Nino, La Nina, tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, typhoons, cyclones, blizzards, or precipitation of any kind.
Or humor writers:
Claim: Fast Talking Disclaimers are funny.
Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of humor are based on previous special cases. Your experience may differ. Additionally- all chuckles, snickers, giggles, titters, guffaws, grunts, snorts, and sighs of disappointment will be registered as laughter.
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As soon as the ball left the tee, I knew I had sliced it hard. It skyrocketed over three sand-traps and headed for a row of homes. I yelled “FORE!” out of habit even though no one seemed to be around- there never is in Palm Springs in August.
The ball smacked into a screen covering a window. It hit so hard the screen jumped off the window onto the grass like it was just electrocuted.
Suddenly an older couple appeared on the patio. They did not look happy.
“If that is as good as you can hit a golf ball, it’s back to the driving range for you,” the man yelled as I pulled up in a cart.
I apologized and asked if everyone was OK. The only injury was the poor screen. It lay on the ground like it had been shot. I didn’t see any holes. I must have hit the frame.
“It’s a good thing you stopped. We were going to call the clubhouse if you didn’t stop. This is not a good thing,” he harangued.
Yeah, it is a tragedy. That screen doesn’t look like it will make it. Better call the paramedics: “Engine 51, this is Rampart General. We have a window screen with a frame injury on the fourteenth hole at Heritage Highlands. Administer WD-40, transport as soon as possible.”
I held the screen from outside while he secured the pins inside that hold it to the window frame. He started out mad and got worse. I didn’t expect him to ask me if I wanted a beer out of the fridge. But, wait. He bought a house ON A GOLF COURSE. It might be hit with a golf ball or several dozen.
It reminds me of knuckleheads that build homes on a flood plain. The area floods every other summer. They act surprised when they are hanging out on the roof and their car is floating down Main Street.
“Well, we got a good deal on the place. The real estate agent said we may experience a little moisture. We didn’t expect to be rescued from the roof by a helicopter and sleep at the Y for two months.”
It may be that the guy that owned the house I hit didn’t even know it was on a golf course. Maybe the agent told him that all those people hitting white balls and digging up dirt behind his house were federal workers testing soil conditions.
To make sure he wasn’t on a flood plain.
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My brothers and I were professional wrestlers. We didn’t work for the WWF or WCW. We produced our own show- DWF- the Ditzel Wrestling Federation.
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I just wanted a pair of shoes. There sure were a lot of them on the wall at the sporting goods store.
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I went golfing in Palm Springs on Sunday. If you live in Ohio or Idaho or Iowa and you want to play golf right now, hop a plane and go to Palm Springs. It is golf nirvana. In the Coachella Valley there are 104 golf courses with ANOTHER 100 opening in the next five years.
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Thousands of people get their day started with a stop at the local we-are-hipper-than-you coffeehouse. And every show from "Friends" to "Frasier" has a coffeehouse where the characters hang out. Coffee is huge.
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