The Mulligan Brothers
Jimmy shanked his tee shot into the woods. He pulled a second ball out of his jeans pocket with one smooth move.
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Column
Casino
I just returned from a golf weekend in Vegas. The casino construction is out of control. These are some of the new casinos going up:
* Akron, Akron- inspired by the success of New York, New York, this casino is in the shape of a giant bowling alley. The slot machine handles are bowling pins. All patrons must wear bowling shoes.
* Toothless Grin Casino- the sportsbook at this casino allows you to bet on the winners of fights that break out during Hockey Night in Canada.
* The Liberace Casino- shaped like a giant piano, you can ride elevators to the revolving restaurant at the top of the candelabra.
* The Heartbreak Hotel Casino- a 20 story casino shaped like Elvis’ head. Every hour a plane load of Flying Elvis’ drop on to the front lawn.
* The Dead Pool Casino- specializes in taking bets on when celebrities will drop dead.
* The Wedding Chapel Casino- Marriage is a gamble. So why not get married right in a casino? Features a sports book where guests can take odds on the success of your union.
* The E-Trade Casino- not for the faint of heart. All gaming is done on-line. Instead of gambling on old line games like Blackjack, these new games have names like “Amazon” and “E-Bay”.
* The Dennis Rodman Casino- the roof of this casino changes colors to exactly match The Worm’s current hair color.
* The Former Child Star Casino- the main show features Dana Plato, Tina Yothers and Brandon Cruz singing a medley of theme songs form Different Strokes, Family Ties and The Courthip of Eddie’s Father.
* The Victoria’s Secret Casino- all the dealers wear Victoria’s Secret Catalog items. Except the guys- they wear Harry Conick masks.
* The Catholic Casino- the chips are different colored hosts. Do they serve alcohol? Is the Pope Catholic?
* The My Way Casino- a tribute to Vegas of the 60’s, the main floor show features animatronic characters that recreate the magic of the Rat Pack. In the casino, animatronic mobsters take card cheats into the desert where they are whacked.
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Take My Money…Please
I was in an office supply store to buy a Quicken upgrade. I passed the digital (still) camera display. While I’ve wanted to get a digital camera for a while, the average prices are too rich for me.
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Hit Yourself Hard in the Head – Why Is Golf Instruction So Confusing?
Golf is a difficult game to master. Fortunately, all golf instruction is consistent so you can easily learn the skills you need.
Bwaahahahahahahahaha.
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Ripe for the Changing
"Here, hold her," my friend said as she held out her baby.
"No, thanks," I said.
"Oh, come one, she likes you!"
The baby smiled at me with a goofy baby grin.
"No, really, she'll break somehow," I said.
Last Minute Christmas Shopping
I overheard someone say, “Oh, I have to do some last minute Christmas shopping today”.
Last minute? On December 16th? That’s not last minute.
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Parking on P5
My office building has five levels of parking- P1 is the first level on down to P5. After work the other day I punched the “down” button and waited. Several people came up and each one also punched the already lighted button. I thought, “Hey, I’m glad you pushed that again. I couldn’t tell from the BRIGHTLY LIT button if it was already pressed.”
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Flip Flops and Tank Tops
“Casual Friday” is becoming more and more popular in American businesses. This is the day that companies allow employees to “dress down”, discarding drab business attire for casual wear. Studies show that in 1992 only 7% of workers could dress down on casual Friday. Now that number is 54%, with expectations being it will rise to 75% in a few years.
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The Jerry Lewis of Singapore
My web hosting service provides a cool report which breaks down my web-site visitors by country. There is a whole bunch of people clicking in from Singapore. Singapore?
I consulted my international network of fans to get more information. E-mail reports from Asia tell an amazing story about what is going on in Singapore.
I am to Singapore what Jerry Lewis is to France.
When the movie “Hardly Working” opened in Paris in 1980, a big banner on the Champs Elysees read “JERRY”. Everybody knew who it was. There is a big banner right now in downtown Singapore that says “JOE”.
And I don’t even have a movie coming out. Or so I thought. A group of university students figured out how to scan me in digitally to existing movies. I am now the star of “Sixth Sense.” It’s a little different in the Singapore version. I can see dead people- but only one shows up- my mom. During the whole movie she keeps asking me if I’ve put gas in the car and for the love of God take out the trash.
People walk around Singapore repeating lines from my columns. They yell at each other, “You tell Bobby Flay to go fry himself!” and then laugh hysterically because they have no idea what they are saying.
Ditzel-mania is out of control. There is actually a professional wrestler in Singapore named “The Ditz”. He looks like me. He acts like me- before he enters the ring he spends 15 minutes looking for his car keys.
Then, he climbs over the ropes as the crowd chants DITZ! DITZ! DITZ!
He grabs a mike and says, “Can you smell what The Ditz has been cooking?”
It’s craziness. There is a line of potato chips called DitzChips available in the supermarkets. People drink beer and eat DitzChips while watching wrestling.
The biggest bookstore chain there features my book in the front window of every store. This is a very big deal because I don’t have a book. The people of Singapore couldn’t wait for me to finish one. They wrote that I am dating seventeen different Singapore supermodels. I didn’t know Singapore had one supermodel. The bar is lower. You can be a hand model and still achieve supermodel status.
I have to go to Singapore to check this out for myself. But then again, I would be mobbed, chaos would ensue, and the country would shut down. So I’ll stay here. In the interest of international relations. Hey, ladeee!
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The Long Ball
I am an average golfer. In fact, the average men’s handicap is 16. So is mine. Nothing stands out about my game. But, for an old guy, I can smash the ball.
Unfortunately, I haven’t hit a fairway since 1968.
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On Your Left!
Vivian wanted to go to the beach. I didn’t. The problem is I burn easily. I got burned last week when I stood in front of the refrigerator light too long. I started peeling so bad I look like a character in Mission Impossible pulling off his fake face.
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EWally.com
Amazon.com was originally a virtual bookstore. Then they added music and videos. Now they have added gifts, e-cards, and on-line auctions. Plans call for adding pets and more. Here is a rundown on products that will be available soon:
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St. Louis Blues
I had an hour and a half before my connecting flight out of Lambert International Airport in St. Louis. I checked the map on the wall. There was a big red dot that said YOU ARE HERE. My gate was on the other side of the TWA terminal. I started to mosey down the hall. Maybe I’ll buy a USA TODAY. I yawned, still tired from getting up at 4am to make my 6am flight out of Hartford.
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Dead Man’s Curve
When I was 8 my family moved to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I started playing hockey that fall. I loved hockey for its speed and action. But for sheer danger and human drama, hockey paled to the blood-rush I felt when I discovered tobogganing.
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