Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
I walked into Discount Hair for my haircut. After they called my name, I plopped into a chair. Carla sat in the next chair, taking the last drags off her Marlboro Red, the final pull burning into the filter.
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I have a unique approach to New Year’s resolutions. I start them on January 26.
You might have made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking. While you are beating yourself up for sneaking a cigarette at the bowling league banquet, I am basking in the self confidence that comes with knowing I haven’t even started any resolutions yet.
I don’t make 15 resolutions. I make one. It’s all I can handle. I’m like a guy with one tooth that is perfect. It’s not hard to maintain. Many people load up with too many resolutions: lose weight, eat better, save money, blah, blah, blah.
My resolution is to lose weight. So today I re-started the exercise program I abandoned late last year- around February 15th. First I stretched thoroughly. I raised my left leg behind me and pulled on my foot for half a second. Then I did that with my other leg.
Fully stretched out, I hit the street in front of my apartment at a brisk clip. I ran and ran and ran and ran. Half a block later, every muscle in my body ached. I brought it down to a jog. A slow jog. Well, more like a walk. OK, I was walking. But I was swinging my arms back and forth vigorously. I knew I was getting a good work out by walking and swinging my arms because I checked my pulse and it was around 600 beats a minute.
As I rounded the corner of Wilshire and Hauser I saw 15 police cars in front of an apartment building. A police helicopter hovered overhead, it’s huge spotlight flooding the street. The LAPD was on the hunt- like an episode of Cops.
Then again, every night in LA is an episode of Cops. I fall asleep to the sound of the LAPD helicopter night after night. Some people need to turn on a fan to fall asleep. I need the soothing whap-whap-whap of a police helicopter.
Sometimes I really need to get some sleep- I have a big day the next day- but I don’t hear the chopper outside. A slow night. I call the LAPD and pretend a perp is on the run, "Some dude just stole a pie off a window-sill! Send the helicopter!"
They’ll hover over my apartment until I fall asleep. They know it is a fake call but send the chopper anyway. They know me- I’m a good customer. I spend $23,000 in parking tickets every year.
It’s the least they can do.
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Late Friday security guard Leon Wellell began to tell his co-worker Randy Stiller about his days as a retail salesperson. Only minutes later his story got lost on a critical detail- the name of some Microsoft software.
The story started well enough: “I used to sell high end audio, you know, home entertainment and all that. Then computers came in big so I switched to that,” Wellell began.
“What year was that?” asked Stiller.
At this point Wellell’s narrative started to stutter.
“Well, it was the year Microsoft came out with that one software that was so popular.”
“Windows?”
“No.”
“Excel?”
“No.”
“Word?”
“No.”
“Powerpoint?”
“No.”
“What was it?”
“I don’t know.”
The two guards looked at each other for a moment and then returned to their paperwork.
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“Is everything alright?” Culver City resident Barry Kirko was asked seconds after being served his Banzai Bowl with Chicken and Black Beans. Kirko had yet to put a forkful of the delicious meal in his mouth. “Great!” he said, resting his hand on the table top.
Leaning his head back for a sip of his Sobe Green Tea, another cheerful employee asked Kirko, “Is everything alright?” Kirko spilled a little of the elixir as he said “Yes. Very good.”
Kirko had killed off three forkfuls of rice and beans when a manager approached. “Is everything alright?”, he asked in an upbeat tone. “Yes, sir!” Kirko intoned as he made a mock salute.
Four hours later Kirko headed for the door. “Was everything alright?” the night crew called after him. Kirko waved as the door swung shut behind him.
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Traditional clothier Brooks Brothers closed their Melrose Avenue location in Los Angeles this week. “Our goal was to expand our client base to a younger customer,” said Charles Harris Witherington III, company spokesman. “It was our belief that we could appeal to the 15-23 year olds that make up the core of the Melrose Avenue clientele,” he said, cleaning his tortoise shell eyeglasses with an Irish linen handkerchief. “After 4 years and meager sales, we had to call it a day.”
“We tried several promotions- free transportation to the Marina Del Rey regatta, bus trips to the polo matches in Santa Barbara, and golf outings once a month. None of them really received a decent response,” he said.
The site has already been filled with a skateboarding shop and a trendy sunglasses boutique. Skater boys surveyed the Darkstar, Flip, Element, Baker, Plan B, and DC boards lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. A group of girls laughed as they tried on the oversized sunglasses from Fendi and Juicy Couture.
“For the most part they are good kids,” Mr. Witherington said, strolling past his old store. “I just wish they would’ve considered a nice Pima Ground Tattersall Sport Shirt combined with a Grey Check with Blue Rust Deco Sport Coat or something nice like that.”
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“Real men play blades”, said John Carling, Sr. as he hit balls at the Studio City Golf Range last week. “All these ‘game improvement’ clubs, hybrids, perimeter-weighting, cavity backs, all of ’em are crap. It’s just the golf industry coming up with new ways to make money. And most people fall for it. Hook, line and sinker!”
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Knockin’ Down Flags golf club company made history today with the introduction of the first double blade golf club- the Dual. “The idea is that, if you miss the ball with the first blade, the second blade will make contact- it’s a first,” crowed Director of Product Development Jimbo Kent as he demonstrated the product to retail buyers today at the World Golf Expo show in Dubai. “The Dual will revolutionize the game”.
“We were inspired by the multiple blades in an average everyday razor. We feel like our dual-blade club will help the average golfer, beginning golfers and inebriated golfers,” Mr. Kent said.
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Hidale Gustap was arrested Friday night while walking along 3rd Street near the Farmers Market in Los Angeles. Police stopped Mr. Gustap as he kneeled to re-tie his shoe. Police protocol is to stop anyone walking in Los Angeles.
“People here drive everywhere. No one walks,” a police spokesman said. “Some people run for fitness and we look past that. But anyone walking is stopped and brought in for questioning.”
“I was just testing out my new pedometer,” complained Mr. Gustap. “I hadn’t gone eight blocks when two police cars drove up on the sidewalk and nearly hit me.”
Mr. Gustap was held for several hours and then released. “We kept the pedometer for testing. It could be a trigger for an IED,” the police said.
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The Los Angeles United School District announced today a pilot project that uses the new “countdown crosswalk lights” in math education. The new lights indicate to pedestrians how much time they have remaining to cross the street before the light changes. LAUSD plans to shepherd third graders back and forth across these crosswalks and observe reverse counting to enhance math skills.
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We Need To Talk from jditzel on Vimeo.
