The Five Worst Hair Salons in Nashville
Yes, I found the five worst hair salons in Nashville so you don’t have to. Here we go:
The Time-Tress Salon
The Time-Tress Salon bills itself as “a magical hair salon where each stylist is a master of time manipulation. As they work on your hair, they transport you to different eras, giving you the authentic hairstyles of the period. Want a 1920s bob or an 18th-century powdered wig? We’ve got you covered.”
OK, let’s give it a shot.
The fluorescent lights flickers ominously as I push open the smudged glass door to The Time-Tress Salon. This place somehow manages to look dated and futuristic all at once – the checkered linoleum floors belong in a 1950s diner, but the egg-shaped hairdryer chairs give off a definite Space Age vibe.
A perky blonde stylist appears, her beehive hairdo defying gravity. “Welcome to Time-Tress! I’m Bunny. Are you ready for a hair adventure?”
I eye the strange contraptions around the room. “I guess so. What exactly do you do here?”
“Why, we style hair throughout the ages, of course!” Bunny trills. “Our patented Chrono-Dryers can transport you to any era while we work on your locks. How does a flapper bob sound?”
I imagine myself with a 1920s ‘do. This place gives me the creeps.
“Or perhaps an 18th-century powdered wig?” Bunny continues. “The poofier the better!”
I shudder, picturing myself tottering around with an absurd tower of curls on my head. “You know, I think I’ll just stick to a basic trim for now.”
Bunny deflates. “Oh, suit yourself. Let me know if you change your mind!” She gestures to an empty egg chair.
As I settle in, I have a feeling things are about to get weird.
I slide into the egg-shaped hairdryer chair.
Bunny flips a switch on the chair and it hums to life, glowing tubes lighting up along the rim. She pulls a lever and a helmet lowers onto my head.
“Just relax! We’ll have you styled in a jiffy,” she chirps.
“Wait, what’s happening?”
“Initiating chrono-sequence!” Bunny announces.
There’s a flash of light and a strange tingling sensation. When I open my eyes, I’m still in the salon chair but everything looks…different. The wallpaper is floral and old-fashioned looking. Bunny is dressed in a frilly dress with her hair in victory rolls.
“There, all set! Let’s get your hair curled into the latest 1920s finger waves,” she says cheerfully, taking out hot rollers.
I gape at my reflection as she sets to work. The helmet has somehow transported me back to the 1920s. I watch as she transforms my hair into a period-perfect bob.
“Well don’t you look darling!” Bunny steps back to admire her work.
I have to admit, the vintage style is pretty charming. But before I can respond there’s another flash of light. The floral wallpaper is replaced with wood panels and tapestries. Bunny is now wearing an old-fashioned gown and white powdered wig.
Now I’m in the 1700s! I cringe as Bunny reaches for a tall, spiraling wig. I can’t wait to escape this crazy time-traveling salon.
“Voila! An 18th century powdered wig, monsieur!” Bunny announces in an exaggerated French accent as she fits an enormous white wig on my head.
I stare in horror at my reflection, engulfed by a massive tower of curls and ringlets.
“Oh hon hon hon, you look magnifique!” Bunny titters.
“Oh no, hon, I look ridiculous. Let’s get me back to reality.”
Underwater Utopia Hair Lounge
This time, I checked out a salon getting a lot of buzz called Underwater Utopia Hair Lounge. They fly you out to their location on Martha’s Vineyard. Located deep beneath the sea, this salon caters to both mermaids and surface-dwellers. They say, “Enjoy your hair treatment while surrounded by the stunning underwater scenery, complete with colorful fish and corals. Waterproof products ensure that your style remains fabulous even under the waves.”
OK, let’s give this a go.
A mermaid, with a glittering green tail and seashell bikini top, greeted me: “Welcome to the Underwater Utopia Hair Lounge!” she trills. “Let’s get you ready for a day under the sea!”
As she spoke the words, I could feel the pressure building in my ears as I began breathing through a scuba regulator.
“Imagine, if you will, entering a luxurious underwater dome where your hair appointment awaits,” she said, pretending to swim gracefully through the air. “Surrounded by exquisite coral reefs, vibrant schools of fish, and the occasional curious sea turtle, you’ll find yourself completely immersed – quite literally – in a breathtaking aquatic world.”
“Your stylists at Underwater Utopia are, of course, experts in their field,” she said. “Armed with an arsenal of waterproof products, they have mastered the art of creating stunning styles beneath the waves. Want beachy waves? They’ll give you oceanic curls. And don’t worry about your hair floating away during your cut; these professionals have it all under control.”
“Ah, yes,” I said sardonically, recalling the surreal experience of watching a pair of clownfish dart between my strands as my stylist carefully snipped away. “There’s nothing quite like the sensation of having your hair shampooed with an eco-friendly, fish-safe formula while you float weightlessly in a submerged salon chair.”
“Take, for example, the stunning Angelfish Oasis,” I said. “Picture yourself reclining in your salon chair, while a shimmering school of angelfish flits about you like nature’s own hairstylists.”
The hairstylist just grinned as I continued my speech. She must have had crazier customers than me.
“Or perhaps,” I continued, leaning in conspiratorially, “you would prefer the Coral Castle Corner, where vibrant corals form a natural fortress around you, creating an otherworldly atmosphere. Why, last time I visited, a curious octopus seemed quite taken with me. Indeed, the enchanting sights and sounds of Underwater Utopia are enough to make even the most jaded hair aficionado feel like Neptune!”
Underwater hair-cuts and aquatic hair conditioning? Thumbs down. Next!
RoboRazor Hair Engineers
Here’s the pitch: “In a futuristic city, this salon is staffed entirely by highly skilled robots. Precision and customization are taken to a new level, with clients being able to design their hairstyles down to the individual strand. The robots’ flawless execution and attention to detail make for an extraordinary experience.”
OK, I’m into tech. Let’s try it.
I enter a stark, futuristic setting. Sleek robots hover around sleek styling chairs.
One robot zooms over. “Greetings, I am Snip-R. Please have a seat and I will engineer your hair to perfection,” it buzzes in a robotic voice.
I take a seat and Snip-R gets to work. His metal fingers move swiftly, sectioning and analyzing each strand of my hair. Lasers shoot out, seeming to scan and measure my head from every angle.
“Analysis complete. Proceeding with custom style number 485920351,” Snip-R announces in his robotic voice.
His arms extend out in multiple directions, each one equipped with scissors, combs, hair dryers, and various futuristic styling tools I can’t even identify. He works rapidly, snipping, blow drying, and combing with expert precision.
In just minutes Snip-R pulls away. “Your custom style is now complete. Please observe in the mirror.”
He holds up a mirror and I’m stunned to see my hair is now a replica of a 1980s IBM home computer.
I’m never again trusting my hair to a robot.
Enchanted Everlocks Spa
Enchanted Everlocks Spa’s website says, “We are nestled in a secret forest outside Nashville and are staffed by mystical beings who use ancient potions and enchantments to treat your hair. From growth spells for those seeking long, flowing locks to color-changing treatments that adapt to your mood, the possibilities are endless.”
Already I know this is going to be a disaster.
I’m now standing in a lush, overgrown forest, sunlight filtering through the trees. Colorful birds flit by and I can hear running water nearby.
I follow a winding path through the dense forest until I come upon a clearing containing a sparkling pool fed by a cascading waterfall. Near the pool is a quaint cottage with a wooden sign reading “Enchanted Everlocks Spa”.
As I approach, the cottage door opens and out flutters a tiny winged creature. She has rainbow-colored hair flowing down to her feet and fluttering dragonfly wings on her back.
“Welcome to Enchanted Everlocks!” she squeaks in a high-pitched voice. “I’m your fairy hair stylist today.”
I have to blink a few times. “Did you say fairy hair stylist?”
She laughs, a sound like tinkling bells. “Why yes, all of us fairy folk are experts in magical hair care. Please, come inside and let me show you the treatments we offer!”
I follow her into the cozy cottage, which is furnished with tree stumps for chairs and moss for carpeting. She shows me an array of bubbling cauldrons and pots filled with colorful liquids and goops.
“This is our rapid growth formula, guaranteed to give you long, flowing locks overnight!” she says, stirring a shimmery pink potion. “And this one changes your hair color based on your mood. Feel happy and it turns sunny yellow, angry and it’s fiery red.”
I watch amazed as she demonstrates, dipping a lock of hair in the mood-sensitive formula. It starts out deep blue then quickly shifts to bright orange.
“Listen, this is cool and all, but I’m getting flashbacks to something I took at a rock concert in college. This is way too trippy. I better exit pronto.”
Galactic Glam Hair Studio
Galactic Glam Hair Studio is our fifth and final of the five worst hair salons in Nashville. Located on a spacious property on the southern outskirts of the city, the building is a giant half-dome. Their marketing says, “Located on a bustling space station, this salon caters to beings from all over the galaxy. Whether you have two heads or no hair at all, the intergalactic stylists here are trained to work with all species and hair types. Customers can enjoy watching spaceships zoom by while receiving a celestial-inspired hairdo.”
Alrighty then, let’s give it a rip.
The interior of Galactic Glam is sleek and modern, with hovering chairs at each station. My stylist is a green alien with three eyes and four arms. “Welcome to Galactic Glam, where we style the hottest looks in the galaxy!” she says in a bubbly voice. “Let me show you the view while I wash your hair.”
She leads me over to a chair that’s positioned right in front of a giant window looking out into space. As she tilts me back into the sink, I’m greeted by a breathtaking panorama of stars and planets. A comet zips by, followed by a massive spaceship with glowing engines.
I’m mesmerized as she massages my scalp with fragrant cleansers. Once my hair is squeaky clean, she sits me up and starts combing through it gently. “Now, what kind of intergalactic style shall we create today?” she asks.
I tell her I’m open to anything futuristic and fun. Her three eyes light up with excitement. “I have just the thing.”
Using her four dexterous hands, she parts my hair into elaborate sections. Then she weaves and loops it into an intricate updo resembling a spiral galaxy. With a blast from a high-tech drying wand, she sets the look in place.
The best I can describe it is my hair looked like a ski jump melded to a Martian volcano.
Complete fail.
